by Mona Gallagher

Created on: December 12, 2008

Is your household run in a strict military manner or does the integrity of the family take precedence over one ruling voice? Saying, "I'm the boss" is equal to saying "I rule you and you must obey me under all circumstances." This authoritarian stance shuts down all connection between child and parent. When these words are said often, the child may close his heart to his parent.

Ideally, a home should be a safe haven for husband, wife, and children. Parents who are authoritative understand the value of rules of behavior and the value of their children's needs. They walk a fine line in the family unit, affirming and disciplining the children and it's always done with the best interests of the children versus self-interest and dominance.

Home is a place to go to escape from the stress of jobs and school. Children experience life at school too and it is filled with stressful events like tests, difficult relationships with other children, and sometimes of difficult relations with teachers. They become wound up just as parents do in the workplace and occasionally they act out their frustration.

If there is no safety valve at home, the pressure can blow the lid off in the interaction between parent and child. Tension in the home adds more pressure and if it continues long-term, what you end up with are strangers sharing a living space with no emotional connection to one another. That's an authoritarian family and it's absence of warmth and integrity renders it less than a true home.

Remember the old saying, "Home is where the heart is?" Telling your children, "because I said so" will turn hearts away faster than almost anything else. Who wants to live in a house with a dictator? When a child loses his voice in an authoritarian family he is left powerless to express his needs as well as his opinions.

Yes, all of that's true, but it's also important for a child to learn obedience and have a good behavioral standard. He can't go about doing anything he pleases without facing consequences. Having a voice in a family and obeying rules are equally important, but how do we find balance to this dilemma?

If you desire a balance in the family, establish rules that are understandable and within the child's ability to perform. Mothers and fathers should do this as a family so everyone is in on the rules and understands their role in the family. Realistically, what you're doing is setting boundaries within the family. Children may not like the idea, but they will feel safer knowing the rules and how they work.

If you're the authoritarian parent and want to make changes, what do you need to do to make it happen?

Instead of saying, "because I'm the boss," you can say to your child, "You are part of this family and you must do your chores just as everyone else does. If you disobey, you will be grounded." By re-framing your words, the child has the necessary information he was seeking and you have set clear boundaries for his behavior. That kind of interaction is supportive to the family unit and does not smell of dictatorship.

Families are always going to have disagreements and disruptions because of the difference in opinion and entitlements. Don't expect set standards to magically transform the family into those ideal families portrayed in TV programs, but if you're consistent in following family behavior boundaries you can expect to see better communication of expression and integrity in the family.

As a parent you have the power to provide your child with boundaries and connect with him or you have the power to command him.

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