by Carson Margedant

Created on: December 12, 2008

Here it is the reasons, why I the great Carson will burn in hell. It has been itemised for your convenience,

1. I am an atheist, I think I have been since the Church of Christ asked me what made a plant grow. While those wish-washy agnostic and the white bread deists live and grow fat on purgatory's slim jims and ho-hos, I will be watching Ruth Bader Ginsberg modeling bikinis. However this is to on the nose. I shall think of some better debaucheries.

2. Ever since I read a modest proposal in my senior year of high school I've been hoping that Dick Cheney would enact it. I just figure as long as we are going to be hated by the rest of the world we might as well eat delicious babies.

3. I really do want a division of the armed forces to fight natural disasters. By this I do not mean sandbagging flood plains or evacuating people. No, what I want is a division of the military that sends F-18s into hurricanes and pumps droughts full of lead until our brave men and women are are quite sure that they are dead.. We can call it PAE or Protection Against the Environment.

4. I argue with people that have positions I support. No, I'm not saying I disagree on them on this one issue, I'm saying I agree with them, but they're still wrong. Despite the fact that I support and voted for Barack Obama, if you rant for ten minutes on his good qualities I will loudly create a simile involving Uncle Tom. Seeing as I use public transportation, this will probably be what kills me.

5. I find that comparing people to Hitler is comedy Gold. Why? Because everyone can be compared to him and they are usually the good traits. Edward Furlong liberated a tank full of lobsters at a piggly wiggly, You know who also loved animals? Hitler. Wonder if that bastard passed out free copies of the Turner Diaries to his new saltwater friends.

6. I am enthusiastically hoping that one day an employer will actually ask me to pee in a cup. I have been waiting all this time and drinking all this caffeine and yet they never want me to pee in a cup. Sometimes I even bring my own. Let me tell you, when your in the customer service wing of a major electronics's store holding a gladware soup container full of yellow liquid it does not bode well for your career.

7. I wore a brace over my right leg for five years. I think I actually explained the actual trials and tribulations of cerebal paulsey to two people in this time. The rest I bald faced lied to. Sometimes it was a car accident. For a few very "special" repeat offenders I feigned ignorance and tried to make them believe that they were delusional. For a year after I read "To Kill A Mockingbird" I simply said my leg got ripped up in a cotton gin.

8. I conceived a new film version of To Kill A Mockingbird called "Shooting Birds". The casting that I remember is Keanu Reeves as Atticus Finch, Ving Rhames as Jem and maybe Olympia Dukakis as Scout. One of the selling points of the movie was the ten minute long bullet time sequence between Atticus and the rabid dog.

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