by SepiaTones

Created on: December 12, 2008

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about my friends. I think I felt it was time for an inventory; or at least a gut check.

I have always loved solace and alone time, so I don't find it particularly easy to make a friend.

It is seldom that I pursue people for the purpose of friendship, and some of my closest friends are people who are much more assertive than I about making friends. Since I am no social butterfly, I have noticed that many of my friendships are ones I was pulled into by others who are good at both making and being friends.

Social anxiety has been a part of my life for some time, but I just recently was able to identify that as being true. I have learned that I cannot isolate myself from people and then later bemoan the fact that I feel disconnected.

I don't know if it's a stage of life I'm going through right now, but lately I seem to dream frequently about friends I once had, where a burned bridge now lies between us. It's all quite painful. I am not that person now. I miss those people and what they once meant to me. And it pains me to know that they experienced pain because of me.

I think that it has always been easiest to develop friendships with males. This might be common among women who have experienced competition, hurt and distrust at the hands of other women, be they siblings, mothers, co-workers or friends.

I had a handful of co-workers 28 years ago whom I always thought of as my friends. During a recent reunion of the company I was surprised to find that the individuals I was most excited to see again, whose memory meant the most to me, did not even remember my name. I can't tell you the sadness this brought with it.

That got me thinking about the kind of impression I leave with people. And whether I have failed completely to show the people I care about that I do care about them.

I didn't realize how much I fail to share myself with people. I seem to be most comfortable with abbreviated exchanges. I withhold. I often don't look people in the eye. So I guess I must ask myself why.

My friends know that I am not a friend for show. There'll be no kiss-kiss and sweetie exchanges amongst me and my friends. No advertisements and no diatribes about the wonders of friendship. I've never forwarded an email written about girlfriends.

When I say something, I truly mean it. I don't have a fake bone in my body. I detest fake. I try to be nice to everyone, but I really cannot abide fake people. There's no purpose in that.

I've often said that circumstances took me away from my family environment so that I could work on myself. I don't think it's an accident that this area of my life lies undisguised at the moment. We sometimes need to take away the mask to discover what is real in us.

I need the love of God to see my shortcomings and the eyes of Jesus to love people openly. God I pray for more insight in this important area of my life where I often feel I have let you down.

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