by Trenna Sue Hiler

Created on: December 11, 2008

It's going to happen. Sooner or later your child is going to say I
hate you. Most of time a child that says I hate you is looking for some kind of emotional reaction. Its a powerful statement and they first time they say it, they probably don't even know what it means. The way you handle the remark can definitely influence how often you will hear it. What are your options?

~Explain Hate
If the child is very young they may not even understand the language they are using. You don't hear many toddlers saying I am very frustrated right now. Perhaps you can turn this into a teaching moment. Step back and take the emotion out of the situation and talk about the meaning of the word. Educate them in terms they can understand and are age appropriate. For example, hate means you want Mommy to leave and not come back. Hate means you don't want to play with Mommy again. Hate means you don't want anymore hugs.

~Address it as a matter of manners
We don't use that word in our house. It's a bad word here and we do not say that. If you use that word again you will be in time out. (Remember if this is your choice no one in the house uses the word.)

~I hate you or I hate what you are doing?
There is a world of difference between those two statements. Older children understand the difference and you may find comfort in the conversation. Remember to have the conversation when the emotional outburst is gone.

~OK and I love you
If the child is older, now is probably not the time to talk about it. They need some time to cool off and you probably need some time to feel better as well. Those words can sting. So you can say "OK, I love you and now you need to get busy doing what you were told. I will happy to talk to you about this later." Then walk away. Leave them to the activity that they didn't want to do in the first place and remove yourself from being the target of their anger. Remember to follow through later when the heat is gone and talking about hating and what it does to the person who hates.

I learned a tough lesson hiking with my father one day. Every time I used the word hate he put a rock in my backpack. It had become a fairly common word in speech. At the end of the day when I was so sore and tired I could hardly move. He said "That is exactly what hate does to your soul and it doesn't go away till you learn not to hate, but to forgive and love." That was the whole lecture and I have never forgotten it.

~Probably So
These two little words have given me more freedom and understanding in my world than any others. It acknowledges that you heard what the other person has said. It have given them the information that they are probably right and takes the bite right out of the conversation. I use it at home, at work and with friends. It is a great way to diffuse "I hate you" and other unpleasant conversations. You can simply say it and walk away.

Remember "I hate you" from a loved one probably means "Hey, I need something."

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