by Laura Massa

Created on: December 11, 2008   Last Updated: July 11, 2011

When they first married, Kristin and Max immediately started trying for a baby. She wasn't very worried for the first few months, it would happen. As months stretched to nearly a year, she began worry. Ten years later, she has done everything the doctor told her to do, she took the injections, had egg retrieval , went to all her appointments, and took the prenatal vitamins. After another failed attempt she does her best to put it behind her and keep some semblance of a normal life under the strain.

She sits down for tea with her sister-in-law, Denise, the mother of her 2 precious nephews. "You're just trying too hard. Once you stop trying it will just happen" says Denise sympathetically...

Amazingly, there are even MORE insulting and downright rude things that infertile women have to endure. Here are the top 5 insensitive and rude remarks that you should NEVER say to an infertile woman.

1. "You are just trying to hard!" As if this infertile woman has willed herself into a barren frenzy. There is just nothing more insensitive that this. It implies that the woman is indeed controlling her fate, and she is just failing herself miserably. That if she just did what all those other woman do, (nothing special), she will magically become fertile!

2. "Have you prayed?" Assuming that someone is religious, you can bet they have! Often, a truly heartbreaking conclusion that infertile women comes to believe is "I pray, and it still doesn't happen. I am a bad person, I am being punished." Additionally, unless you are very close to someone, or know them from church, do you even know if they are spiritual?

3. "Are you pregnant?" Women going through infertility often gain weight with hormone treatments. If a woman is pregnant, she will share that with you in her own time. It is never tactful to push for this personal information.

4. "A friend of mine (multiple choice) -A) stood on her head for two hours after sex.., B) drank a bottle of Robutussin on the 14 day of her cycle.., C) gave up and adopted.... and she got pregnant! You should try that!" As helpful as you are trying to be, infertility is a very broad and complex complication. What works for one woman, will not work for many others. For a woman that has blocked tubes, no amount of standing on her head or robutussin will ever unblock them!  When a woman has spent an extraordinary amount of time and money on assessments and treatment, your cure-all miracles do not impress or amuse her in the least.

5. "Take one of mine, they are driving me crazy!" Oi, doesn't that speak for itself?

While it isn't necessary to tip-toe around a friend who is having a difficult time getting pregnant, use some common sense. Avoid giving advice. You can not say or do anything that can be productive without researching infertility in some depth. Spare yourself, and her, the awkwardness of a thoughtless comment. Most importantly, remember it is not your words that an infertile woman most needs, it is your your ear when she needs to talk.

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