by Patricia Sabina

Created on: December 10, 2008   Last Updated: December 12, 2008

There was something about the way you looked, a kind of wistful smile.

Me on the bus, and you on the steps waving hands. Just before that last fleeting glimpse, it happened. I was startled by it. Like a bolt from the blue it flashed across my mind. Don't ask me how, and don't ask me why, but I just knew. I knew as sure as the words on this page, I would never see you again.

It lingered a while, but by the time the bus met the motorway the thought was lost to the past. Gone and forgotten until that fateful day when the phone rang and time stood still. When my cousin spoke the words I didn't want to hear.

You had died. Suddenly and unexpectedly you had left this world. So much unspoken and so much regret. A family in shock struck dumb by grief. How could you die so suddenly, so soon? I didn't get the chance to say what I need you to hear, or to thank you for the life you gave me. And there's more I need you to know.

Mothers do what mothers have to do, and as a mother, I know. Yes, you have two beautiful grandchildren, a granddaughter and a grandson. They are happy and healthy and sometimes remind me of you. They like to hear about you and your life and they've seen you on the old family films. And there's more I need you to know.

I have done some things in my life you would be proud of and maybe some not so good, but nothing that's really so bad. I heard that Dad wasn't doing so well so I asked him if he'd like to stay with me. It was the year before he died. He said that year was the happiest in his life since he had lived with you. He never really did get over losing you. I think you might be pleased that I took care of him to the end. And there's more I need you to know.

Three of your brothers are still alive but getting more frail each day. They have finally settled the family estate. My sisters and I get land in the village where you were born. It's a good piece of land outside the village with stunning views across the mountains. My heart skipped a beat when I saw where it was. I resolved there and then to build a house on that spot in memory of you. Somehow I know you want that too. I understand now what I didn't know then, how sad you must have been to leave.

There is so much more I could tell you. But for now I need you to know that I hold nothing against you. All is forgiven. My heart is at truly at peace. Most important of all, I need you to know what I never did tell you.

I love you and always will.

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