by Elaine Sihera

Created on: December 10, 2008

Should parents who arealways arguing stay together for the sake of the kids?

Q. I think people who are arguing all the time and giving a negative impression of family life to the kids watching them...are better off separated and there's no point sticking it out for the sake of the kids. It's not really doing them any good. BUT consider the situation where the parents don't get along at all but both of them are fine with the kids...and the kids like both of them. It's the parents that have a problem with each other (that the kids are aware of). In such a situation, the kids would be lost if the parents get a divorce....but they shouldn't be seeing their parents quarelling on a daily basis either. What's the right option here? Personally, I feel the best thing would be for the couple to go in for counselling. But what if that doesn't work?

A. Whenever there is conflict, and children are involved, it is always best to make a genuine effort to sort it out or to call it a day. Yes, constant arguing damages kids, but so does coldness, detachment, indifference and a lack of love and open affection.

Children do not just learn by what they hear, or what parents tell them. They learn the most by what they SEE. That is how they model things. Parents are the most important force in their lives and so we shouldn't unwittingly teach them what we don't want them to learn. When parents stay together in conflicting relationships, whether silently or noisily, it sends a strong message to children about how they should live their life too in the future and what is the 'acceptable' way to live with a partner. They cannot see how other families live, so whatever goes on in their home will serve as the template for their own lives later on. Any kind of unresolved conflict will actually damage them emotionally, if that is all they have to experience until they grow up.

Only love, mutual respect, positive communication and genuine care make children feel secure and valued. take those away, and there will be loss of self esteem, feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. Worse still, kids soon start to believe that they are to be blamed for whatever is happening. So it is never a good thing to simply stay together 'for the sake of the children', and especially in a cold, loveless relationship of quiet desperation The message it is sending to those kids is that love, affection and respect aren't part of the relationship, so long as it can be held together at any cost. It is likely to be how the children conduct their own lives later on, which results in a never ending circle of negativity and emotional pain. It is much better in the long term to separate.

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