by Don Howard

Created on: December 10, 2008

Quotes From Leaders In The Comedy World

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Woody Allen<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

From the dark comedic observations of Woody Allen to the playful musings of Emu Phillips, quotes from master comedians never fail to entertain. Here are a few of my favorites.

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Drew Carey

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" - Paula Poundstone

"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him." Jack Handy

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot" Jay Leno

"What's another word for Thesaurus?" Steven Wright

"Statistics on sanity show that one in four Americans are mentally ill. Now think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown

"Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people thing of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big." George Carlin

"When I was a little boy I prayed and prayed for a new bicycle. Finally I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole one and prayed for forgiveness." Emu Phillips

"I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal. Just high enough so you can look up her dress." Steve Martin

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." -Bobcat Goldthwait

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I think I should have been more specific."
-Lily Tomlin

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit." - Mitch Hedberg

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