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I think I would find it difficult to understand why someone would stay in a relationship when they are completely unhappy. The first rule of any relationship is that it makes the persons involved very happy and enhances their lives. Otherwise, why get involved with someone when one could be much better off on one's own?

The reasons why people stay in very unhappy relationships is that they are either controllers or they are passive people, lacking self-love, and believing that is the best they deserve. If they are controllers, they do not care what state the relationship is in so long as there is someone for them to dominate and control, to keep in line and under their thumb, in order for them to feel superior and boost their ego. Without that partner to control, they would feel insignificant. It won't matter to them how the other person feels because that would not be a relationship of give and take. It would be a situation where one person is dictating and the other is accepting, or where both persons are controlling and take it in turns to dominate each other. So long as the controllers feel on top of the situation and enjoy that power over their partner they will seek to continue the relationship as long as possible.

If they are passive people lacking in self love, they would feel a constant sense of intimidation, continuing fear about their present and future, but more hesitant of taking action because they fear the consequences. They are likely to worry about what will happen when they leave the situation, or to minimise the hurt they are feeling, while they die slowly inside, and also to make excuses constantly for the way things are. Such people have a need for others to love them to compensate for the lack of personal love they feel for themselves. They are likely to feel grateful for how they are treated instead of accepting how unhappy they are and doing something positive about it. Eventually they become so dependent on the relationship that it becomes more painful to think of ending it rather than to improve the quality of their life by getting out of that situation and giving themselves the opportunity for more fulfilment.

For those tempted to remain in the relationship because of the children, that is a bad decision because the kids will merely pick up the negative vibes around them and become insecure too in themselves. It will not make them emotionally happy, though the physical situation might remain unhanged. It is always better to have two separate loving parents than two warring or unhappy ones.

Unhappy relationships are the biggest causes of stress in our lives, and stress eventually kills. If one is unhappy and have tried to remedy the situation with no avail, they should get out of it as quickly as possible, if they truly value themselves and their existence. After all, the longer they stay in it, the more they are depriving themselves of finding another suitable partner, not to mention the deterioration in emotional health they will suffer. I was in a very long marriage which was increasingly unhappy. It took me a while to find the courage to leave it, but it was the best decision I made. I am now a different, more wholesome and extremely happy person for it. A wonderful feeling of contentment.

Learn more about this author, Elaine Sihera.
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