by Rob O'Hannon

Created on: December 09, 2008

Capturing a Unicorn for fun and profit.
So you've decided to capture a Unicorn. Good for you! Capturing mythical beasts is not a pursuit for everyone, and you are to be congratulated on your insanity, I mean your insatiable desire for knowledge.
Before you set off on your quest, there are a few fundamental (focusing on the mental part) things you need to know about Unicorns. First of all, despite what is implied in the name, they are not made out of corn. I repeat: Unicorns are not made out of corn. So despite rumors started by the Iowa Bureau of Tourism and Corn Promotion, you will not find a Unicorn lurking inside a cornhusk, like you would find a pearl inside an oyster. So if you pass any cornfields with large signs offering a chance to "Husk Your Own Unicorn" for a nominal fee, roll up the windows and hit the gas.

Another fundamental concept that it is very, very important for you to grasp is the Unicorns and Unicycles, despite similarities in name and seating capacity, are not the same thing. Oh, I suppose you might find a Unicorn on a Unicycle if you gave it enough Honey Mead to drink, and you might think a Unicycle with a horn could resemble a Unicorn after you'd third consecutive concussion, but do not be deceived. And we will not go into the relationship between corn and unicycles as there may be small children reading this.
So back to the business of capturing a Unicorn. Legend says that the only person that can lure a Unicorn is a virgin. It is important for the Potential Unicorn Capturer (PUC) to remember that Unicorn hunting is totally impossible in the state of Alaska, New Jersey, Nevada and Wyoming for very obvious reasons. It is also impossible to capture Unicorns if any members of the Bush or Pallin families are within 50 miles of the operation for those same reasons. Bear this in mind, and then shoot the bear.
So step one will be procuring a virgin. Note that I use the word "procure" as opposed to "acquire", as you can do a tax write off for "virgin procurement", but not for "virgin acquisition". For guidance on this please use the freedom of information act and request "Senatorial travel and whoopee reimbursement request form SRF-69-2008.
After you procure your virgin (Special note to Virginia Unicorn capturers - procurement does not involve smokehouse and/or the application of hickory in any way, shape or form) position the virgin you will have to train her to whisper sweet nothings in the Unicorn's ear. This will keep the Unicorn interested,

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>