by Brigid Kowalczyk

Created on: December 08, 2008   Last Updated: January 13, 2009

When I tell people my life story, the usual response is "Wow! You've really been through some hard times!" Sometimes I agree, sometimes I'm taken aback. Really, what was so hard about it? It was just my life, nothing I couldn't handle, thank you very much. Well, I suppose it's not really that simple. Not everyone can survive what I survived but how did I do it? Well, let me tell you what I did and what I came through and see if you can put any of it to use in your life.

I got married in my early 30's. Unbeknownst to me, hubby was struggling with homosexual urges, sex addiction, alcoholism and verbal battering behavior. It was a pretty crazy life for a while: he moved out for 10 months and then moved back. We moved to a new town and then he started living a double life.

How to reconcile what I had (a bizarre life with a gay husband, young children who needed a father) and what I wanted (a normal husband and tranquility at home)? It really wasn't within my control. My values required me to stay even though the marriage was difficult. My love for my children required me to keep things as balanced as I could for their sake (I really didn't want to put them through a divorce with visitation issues, financial issues, etc.)

Early on I learned one very clear lesson: circumstances are changing. If I looked at the circumstances of today, I couldn't keep my eyes on the goals I had. So, I did my best to make life easy for the kids, tried not to antagonize the husband too often, balanced the checkbook and tried to keep the family out of any obvious troubles. Then one day, he announced his double life and intention to keep it up and I went to the lawyer a week later.

When I finally left hubby, the kids were shocked, upset but also grateful for what I did for them. They are successful and all three have completed college. Two of them have dedicated their lives to the service of God and the other one has given me a granddaughter who is a delight! I still don't have everything I want (a nice retirement package, a home of my own) because there are more circumstances in my life (elderly parents who need my help, concerns about the economy, etc) but now the goal is to make their life as good as I can. I live in a basement, wear second hand clothes, can't travel because of the lack of money and a full-time job, but now my parents appreciate what I'm doing for them. What could be better?

It's doing what makes life better for others that makes my life worth living. Things are what you buy with money. But money can't buy you love!

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