by Mj Ferruzza

Created on: December 08, 2008

I became a single father about the time my kid turned 3 years old. I was stressed enough, but I attempted to assimilate my kid into my dating world, from the outset. It was not working. Big mistake! My kid felt that I was dividing my attention, while my dates were trying to win me over by using my child to get to me. It was uncomfortable for everybody involved. I had a great support group of friends. I had female friends who were wonderful female role models, but the search for a Ms Right was different. There were time issues. There were money issues. There were scheduling issues. There were just issues.

Though kids are the most important thing in a single parent's life (or should be), there are also questions about one's sense of identity, self esteem and romance that weigh heavy on the single parent. Here I was divorced, but was I still wanted? Was I still attractive? And was I really as tired as I felt, here raising this kid alone?

Side note: One promising romance wanted to take my kid (age 6 at the time) and I out to lunch at a popular family restaurant. I snuck outside for a cigarette (a habit I started back up after the divorce after 12 years without) under the ruse I needed to go to the bathroom. When I got back my date's face was ashen. It seems that when she remarked to my kid that she really liked me, my child shot back "You haven't got a chance in hell!" Wow! Was this the impression I was making on my kid? It's all or nothing? That was the last time I easily agreed to bring my child on any date or free meal asked out of kindness.

How to make it work is to slow down the process. Get to know your partner before throwing them into the fire and vice versa. Kids are very perceptive, but kids are also extremely jealous. When the time is right to have a melding of the two worlds, stay away from places that have special meaning between parent and kid and would leave someone as an outsider. Bring along a friend for the child or include other siblings when such an occasion might arise. Picnics, family outings and cookouts work out well. Movies and pizza work out better on introductory dates with the child, especially if it is a film that all might enjoy. Don't suffer through something just for appearance sake, kids are perceptive and can spot a phony or use it to walk over you later on.
The key is to take it slow if you think it is going to work and be honest with everyone involved if you think it is falling apart. Honesty will save your time and money, and is a great lesson teacher for the younger ones!

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