by AJ Lat

Created on: December 08, 2008

You know that expression "Let's make sure we are on the same page"? Well, I had to learn with my parents that we are not on the same page, the same book ...or even in the same library!

I had to realize something very important so I can relate to my Mother in a different way...and it was this...just because I came from her body does NOT mean we think alike or even have the same value system.

I have realized that my life experience has taken me into new thoughts, ideas, and convictions. I cannot expect family members or anyone else for that matter to understand or live from my place of knowing and understanding.

It has taken me years to "get" this one. Years of feeling sad, angry, rejected...the list goes on and on.

I learned something very important while I was in therapy about surface relationships. When you are with the "surface people" in your life you talk about surface things. Shopping, movies, books, etc. Surface people will not validate your feelings and when you voice them they will often look at you like you are from another planet!

Save your heart felt desires, passions, and dreams for those people in your life who share the same interests as you do. This will save you enormous pain and aggravation. These are the people that you do have EVERYTHING or most things in common with ...they enhance your growth and you will not feel so stifled when around them.

I have learned with family to ACCEPT what I cannot change. I cannot change their views on many things I am passionate about whether it be religion, politics, social issues or just plain everyday likes and dislikes.

When I deal with surface people in my life I remember the first part of the serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT what I cannot change"

Sometimes during the holidays I will step out of the room or go for a short walk and repeat that phrase over and over AND OVER again : )

I repeat the rest of the serenity prayer as I am walking...asking if I need courage to speak out in the situation... or wisdom to see the matter in a different light.

Now it is much easier for me to be with my Mom (my Dad passed away years ago) I now realize there are certain topics I do not even venture to discuss. Why even get into those things that I KNOW will cause disagreement and turbulence?

Of course this varies if a family member needs us to come together and help them or there are deep family issues ...then I always speak from my heart and stand firm in my convictions. If a family member is harming themselves, or their children might be in a dangerous situation, then I am always courageous in how I speak out in these matters.

Otherwise, I just keep the conversation on topics of agreement and let the rest go. It is not worth the time, effort, and ENERGY I waste. I can use that energy to create positive things in my life.

I have found that the more confidence I have in my convictions the less I feel I have to defend or persuade others to come into my way of thinking. Why defend what you know to be right?

These few things have really changed my relationships with ALL family members. Again I just accept what I cannot change rather than wasting that energy I can use for the things I am passionate about in my life!

Learn more about this author, AJ Lat.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.