by Laura Massa

Created on: December 08, 2008

Making the choice to get married again when you have children will be a decision that is not hard to make if you have chosen the right mate for yourself and consider your children's health and well-being at all times.

The right mate for me now, is one that meets a more stringent set of standards. Men that may have been suitable before I had a child, are no longer able to meet the new, narrower standard that having a child has created. As an example, before being a mother I may have considered a man who drinks occasionally. Now that I have my son to consider I would never entertain a drinker living with me and my child.

Additionally, measuring whether the person you are marrying is a good fit for your child's needs is very important as well. If you have a child that doesn't respond well to loud, angry threats, a fiance with this discipline style will be very unhappy with your home in the long run. If your child is very disorganized and forgetful, having someone that is good with schedules and routine will be a great asset.

Make sure that you are ready to allow another adult to share the burdens and rewards of raising your children. True, they are not the mother or father, but they will be a parent, and as such, they deserve to be heard and respected. Listen to your children and their fears or concerns about having a new step-parent, and make sure that you enforce with your children the fact that you trust this person enough to bring them into your, and your children's life.

If you are hoping for the best, but not really sure that you can make this work for your new spouse and your children, putting the wedding off and spending more time getting to know one another is in order. If you don't like the dynamic between your children and your mate now, you probably wont in one, five or ten years either. If you are constantly feeling like you have to take sides, then you are in an unhealthy family dynamic and need to seek therapy to see if the conflicts can be resolved through discussion and communication exercises.

Lastly, the right person for you, will like your children. If your significant other can only see negative things in your child, they will never enjoy the things about your children that you do, and they will make you feel bad when you are enjoying your children. There is no person "special" enough to warrent allowing that much pain to your life.

So, when "dealing" with getting married again when you have children, it should not be filled with reservations and fear. You should already have gone through the discussions regarding how to handle disciplining and dealing with the ex. You should feel comfortable allowing this person that you love into your children's life, and you should have a sense that this person wont be just an extra body, but a real asset to the family that you and your children have been. You are becoming a new family now, where all parties deserve to be heard and be respected. Where sides should not be taken, and where everyone is comfortable when they come home at the end of the day.

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