by Christine G.

Created on: December 07, 2008

Is your home a battleground? Are you longing for peace, sweet peace?

First of all, OBSERVE THE SITUATION. For three days, watch, listen, and write down as much as you can, objectively, without judging or blaming. What time of the day is most peaceful, and what is the worst? What situations are triggers for altercations?

IDENTIFY THE ROLES. Who is the designated trouble-maker, the designated victim, the designated fixer? How do these roles interact? Is the atmosphere in your house better or worse when a particular person is absent?

IDENTIFY THE SCRIPTS. What type of interaction is being played out again and again? Chances are that these scripts were imported from your families of origin. Identifying them is the first step to figuring out a way of disabling them.

ENLIST THE HELP OF OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS. Your task will be much easier if they would like to see changes as well, and are willing to work to make them happen. Start having regular family meetings. You might have to offer an incentive such as an outing afterwards, but it would be worth it.

WORK ON ONE THING AT A TIME. Trying to change everything at once is a sure recipe for failure.

HAVE A SPECIFIC PLAN. Decide on a definite intervention for the next time so-and-so says or does such-and-such, and carry it out as calmly and consistently as possible. If you are working with other family members and can secure agreement as to what consequences are appropriate, enforcement will be much easier.

MAKE YOUR EXPECTATIONS CLEAR AND SPECIFIC. Instead of saying, "I want more time to myself," negotiate a couple of hours a week when others will take over your usual functions. Instead of complaining about the mess in the rec room, organize a work party at a particular time, and secure agreement that no one will leave the house until the job is done.

BE PRO-ACTIVE. If Jenny and John regularly fight about whose turn it is to do dishes, post a chart on the fridge and enforce it without fear or favor. If the hour before supper is generally very tense, work on reducing stress for yourself and others. Maybe that would be a good time for a walk around the block for some family members while others finish the meal preparations.

BE PERSISTENT. Don't make exceptions "just this once", or cave in when people start whining, manipulating, or criticizing.

ENLIST OUTSIDE HELP IF NECESSARY. Including a family therapist will heighten accountability, and provide objective feedback as to what is going on. Support from a baby-sitter, cleaning lady, or handyman can take the pressure off.

LAUGH. Sometimes that's all you can do. You win some, and you lose some.

DON'T BORROW TROUBLE. If you are looking for problems, you will surely find them.

SET LIMITS RATHER THAN TRYING TO CONTROL CHOICES. Give your kids coupons for TV, video game, and computer time. Let them decide how and when to use them, first come, first served.

KNOW YOUR LIMITS. Accept what you cannot control. Avoid over-working and over-stressing. Work towards balance. Do whatever you can to make your own life more pleasant. Change what is possible to change, and let the rest go.

No matter how bad things have become, there is always something you can do to improve your situation. Instead of playing the blame game and wallowing in guilt and resentment, take responsibility for your own actions and nobody else's. Don't expect overnight miracles, but keep your eyes on the prize. There will be light at the end of the tunnel if you keep working towards constructive change.

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