by Jennifer Winchester

Created on: December 06, 2008

As children grow and develop, there is likely to be conflict between the changing child and his or her parents. Children are not born omnipotent, and what knowledge they do gain is often learned through trial and error. It is important for parents to recognize that their toddler, having just learned the word "No", is going to test the limits of their new knowledge. An adolescent, seeking a personal identity, is going to challenge the rules of the house. This is simply how children learn. It is the responsibility of the parents to teach them according to societal and house rules. Yet, where there is authority there is sure to be a certain level of conflict.

Your child needs an advocate, and that advocate should be you. Whatever discipline or authority you are attempting to lay down should be accompanied with validation of how your child is feeling. For instance, if you are in the grocery story and find your three year old tearing up over some delicious candy, find a way to let the child know that you understand how they are feeling. "I'm sorry Jimmy. I understand that you really want some candy right now. Since it's not good for you to have candy before dinner, I will buy it now but we wait until after dinner to try some." Children often get upset when they feel as though they are not being heard or understood. By telling Jimmy that you understand his candy craving you are validating how he feels and acknowledging his personal desires. This will allow him to feel as though he is more of a participant in the family and in his life, and less like he is simply at the mercy of everyone around him. Have you ever felt backed into a corner? How did you respond? Try recognizing your personal reactions to certain things while dealing with your children. They are, after all, still human.

Many people in daily life fail to recognize their tone of voice during escalations. A higher tone or decible can really change a situation because the person receiving the message is likely to either misinterpret what the other is saying or become defensive. As a teenager, I fed off of my mother's yelling in some regard. I became more agitated and defensive, which only made the conflict greater than it really needed to be. Managing stress level and tone of voice can help to alleviate the conflict, and is also emotionally healthier. Your child will not respond to constant aggressive banter. If anything, you would be creating a socially inept or behaviorally defiant child. Children deserve respectful communication just as well as adults, and this point is often overlooked. Working through a conflict with your child can be much easier if the lines of communication remain open and if there is an equal amount of respect. Yes, you are the parent but that does not grant you authority to do things without repercussion or acknowledgement.

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