by Antonia Sage

Created on: December 06, 2008

Not something I look forward to, but sometimes it is a necessity. So the question really is : what is the nicest, most effective way to say something that is unpleasant to the ears of the listener? Here's how I would do it:

1. DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?

People have different tolerance thresholds, and what may pose a mere nuisance to one may be unbearable to another. I would ask myself if my response to the behavior in question is reasonable. Personally, I can accept loud music but not loud squabbles. But, I know folks who draw the line at cars honking on the road outside their home. Reasonable behavior is informed by prevailing sensibility of the time and place - I would first seek to understand what is acceptable to most others. When in doubt I would ask a friend or neighbor.

2. ACKNOWLEDGE THE DIFFERENCE

Very often, unacceptable behavior stems from different ways of approaching a situation. Some us like to solve a problem by taking it on, some other like to understand the situation before dealing with it. Some of like to dress conservatively, some of us like to show skin. Once I am certain that my position on the matter is reasonable, I would strive to appear so. I would try to understand why the behavior appears okay to the person in question, and acknowledge our differences.

3. ARTICULATE THE IMPACT

If the behavior is unacceptable, there is likely to be a good cause for it. How is it impacting me? It is possible that my children are disturbed by the nightly rantings of the drunk in the neighborhood. Or, by the loud utterance of profanity by my neighbor's teenage kids? I would tell the person how his/her behavior impacts me, and keep the focus on the behavior, rather than the person. "I don't have a problem with teenagers, but I have a problem with cursing in public"

4. SET EXPECTATIONS

My words may not be taken seriously, or worse, my intentions may be misunderstood. Nobody likes to be told to stop doing something, and it is possible that the person may take umbrage over my comments. I would prepare for the possibility, and make sure I let them know the course of action I would have taken (e.g. reporting them) had I not wanted to resolve this amicably. This way, I would be able to support a friendly resolution while informing them of my alternative course of action.

5. AGREE ON FUTURE BEHAVIOR

When the other person is receptive to my feedback, I would seek an agreement on boundaries (if not, I'd have to follow up on the alternative course of action.) I'd remember to appreciate their sensitivity and offer to reciprocate. Put simply, although message is unpleasant, my conduct need not be. People will be sensitive to my needs if they see me as being sensitive to theirs.

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