by Joy Mosenfelder

Created on: December 06, 2008   Last Updated: January 06, 2009

Partner abuse, also known as domestic violence, is a stealthy monster that creeps up on the victim over time. It is almost always commingled with the much more charming behaviors a person associates with comfort and love. An abusive relationship doesn't just happen overnight, and it never develops in a vacuum. Those observing abusive behavior are often puzzled by the victim's reluctance to leave.

They forget that for a relationship to become abusive, there had to be a relationship to begin with. There was something, before the violence that drew the victim to the abuser and earned his or her trust, respect, compassion, and love.

We humans are creatures of emotion; beings who thrive on our connections with others. It is hard for many people to reject someone they have grown to love, even when every interaction with that person is geared towards violence and destruction. Abusers are human. When they are not violent they are often very likable. Abusers often present themselves very well. They can be smooth talkers, masters of a silver tongue, the kind of person one wants to know better.

A victim's life is often thoroughly entangled with the abuser before the violence ever starts. They may have friends in common, share a house, or even have children together. The idea of fleeing is a daunting choice. It may mean abandoning an otherwise stable home for the unknown. It often means cutting ties with friends or family, or losing access to resources like a job or childcare. And the victim can never be sure how an abuser will react to being left. Will he or she escalate? How far away is far enough to be safe? Victims may feel more overwhelmed by the unknown risks of leaving than the known risks of staying put. If you know someone in an abusive relationship and he or she is not ready to leave don't panic, don't push, don't try to pressure that person to flee right now. Work with the victim where he or she is at. Listen. Be supportive of his or her choices as the situation evolves. Helping a victim consider options and plan for the future can be critical support in a time of crisis.

If you are in an abusive relationship and considering flight as an option planning the way in which you flee is crucial to how quickly you are able to stabilize after leaving. If you can, work. Do what you can to keep your savings separate from your abuser's income, somewhere you will have access to the money when you need it the most. Formulate a safety plan with relatives and friends you trust.

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