by Victoria Tiegert

Created on: December 05, 2008

Moving on after the death of a loved one can be an extremely difficult order to follow. Dependent on several things, such as your relationship with the person who has passed away, the reason for their death and whether it was anticipated, the person's age at the time of death and other things can alter the way the death is perceived and experienced by their loved ones who are left behind to grieve. Different people will deal with the same event differently in many aspects of life, and death is no different.

Our family recently experienced the tragic loss of my grandmother and is in the beginning stages of picking up the pieces of our family and continuing on without what we knew as the head, the matriarch, the leader. Some of us are further along than others, but that is all right. We all cling together more than ever in this time of loss and hold one another up as much as we are able. I have learned that we all have different needs right now. What provides comfort to one may cause another greater pain. For example, I love to look at pictures of her and hold her personal things close to me, while another family member can't bear that yet.

There is no exact recipe that works for each of us to heal the wound we are left with as we try to pick up the pieces and move on with our own lives. There are, however, a few things that are universally helpful (even necessary) if we are to begin the healing process. These are appreciating, remembering, and learning. They are each important and will be accomplished in various time frames by various people.

Appreciating is important as we recover from our loss. We must not lose sight of the fact that even though it may seem as though the whole world has just come crashing down around us, there are still all of the same good things around that always were before now, except that one special person. If we allow ourselves to become bitter and angry for too long, we will be putting our own mental and physical health at risk. This is not what the person we are missing would want for us and it is not what we should want for ourselves, either. Think of the things that are still here including our other loved ones, our memories of the time we spent with the departed, and the many other blessings around us. Hold tight to these, especially during this time of grief.

There are many things that we can learn as we go through the grieving process that we may not have had an opportunity to prior to this. We can suddenly understand and have compassion for others who have experienced the death of a loved one, when before we may have thought that they should be able to "just get over it". Another side of our humanity is developed with each new experience we go through. We also learn to appreciate our loved ones more while we have them with us, not to take each day together for granted. This has been extremely true in our family and a blessing of sorts.

Enjoy your memories and allow them to pour over you like a healing balm. The good times that you shared with your loved one have ingrained themselves on your heart and cannot be stolen from you. Take hold of them and spend time with them. They can be a remarkable comfort in your time of grief.

There are many stages of grief that will be experienced by those who are trying to move on from after the death of a loved one. Shock and numbness, sadness, guilt and anger are among the most common. These stages may not go in any particular order and they can come back even afte ryou have went through them once. There is also no set time that the stages seem to last, but with appreciating, learning, and remembering, you will be doing all that you can to ease the path back into your everyday life.

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