by Christine G.

Created on: December 05, 2008

Weddings, funerals, and seasonal family gatherings bring out the best in some families and the worst in others. For most families, it's a mixed bag of Hallmark and Hell-on-wheels. Certain conflicts are as hardy as dandelions, and keep popping up year after year.

Can anyone put a stop to the merry-go-round of holiday battles? Yes and no. Only the family as a group can make the decision to do things differently, and carry it out as a team. However, each individual has choices about the extent of and intensity of personal participation in family frays. You can't fix things for others, but you can take action to make the experience less harrowing for yourself.

To opt out of being a participant or close observer of a family fiasco, the best defense is not to be there. Walk out with a pleasant smile and plausible excuse when the problem begins, or arrange to be absent during times when fighting is usually at its worst. If you are hosting the gathering, you have the option of asking the combatants to take their fight elsewhere.

If this seems too extreme, you can cushion the shock by taking steps to disrupt the script. Don't get sucked into the rut of the ancient patterns. Behave differently. If you have always suffered in silence, speak up and say something like, "I want to be with you, but I can't tolerate this behavior. Please save it for another occasion." If you have been in the thick of the battle, choose not to get involved this time. Focus on controlling yourself instead of others.

Strategies that can help:

*Come rested. Tense, overtired people are explosions waiting to happen.

*Limit exposure. There is no need to be stuck together like glue for the whole time, especially if it is a multi-day gathering. Take a break. Go for a walk, visit an art gallery, or take a nap.

*Have a plan. Rehearse exactly what you are going to say the next time Uncle Joe tells you what he would like to do to your no-good, lazy children.

*Have a back-up person you can call when you feel you are about to lose it.

*Take it easy on the booze. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and releases your Inner Jerk.

*If you can possibly afford it, stay in a hotel instead of a family member's basement or spare room.

*Don't make any threats, promises or commitments you are not prepared to carry out.

*Keep conflicts out in the open instead of talking behind others' backs.

*Behave assertively rather than aggressively.

*Focus on managing your own thoughts and feelings instead of trying to change other people's.

Your new behavior will probably unite the family. They will all agree that what you are doing is wrong, and try to correct you. Traditions are precious, and die hard. But if you persevere, who knows what could happen? Maybe you will pioneer a new tradition.

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