by Jimmy Ettele

Created on: December 05, 2008

Soon we'll be listening to those sleigh bells ringing. Our lives will be consumed with the Christian tradition of Santa Claus and merchandising. Radio stations have already begun their twenty four hour loop of songs from long dead crooners and unfortunately still around pop stars. Stores have marked everything down for the holidays and yet here you are still burping up cranberry sauce and yams from Thanksgiving. We have been greasing the tracks for the Christmas season even before you had a chance to develop a cavity from your Halloween candy. Along with Sears and Walmart's march to the holidays so too march your family members soon to be joined in one holiday Union workers type mob. Meandering aimlessly. Looking for someone to carve the ham. Figuring out which kid dumped the rum into the eggnog. More frightening than 1980's hairstyles is your mandatory attendance at obligatory family gatherings. How to survive? The holidays are getting longer and longer each year. Before you know it your Aunt Rose and Uncle Ed will be knocking on your door the Wednesday after Election Day with presents and food expecting a warm bed to sleep in. Holidays should be about enjoyment so let me impart on you secrets to ensure a happy holidays.

Never have anything at your house.

There are quite a few things prohibiting your enjoyment of the holidays if you have taken on the monumental burden of hosting this year's reunion. The week leading up to the oncoming stampede of family members you have not seen since last Christmas is spent cleaning. Dusting, sweeping, stain removing, buffing, waxing. Your porcelain will never be shinier. You will spend five to six days of cleaning just so the night your family members come and are stuffing their face can drop a stuffed mushroom on your freshly cleaned Berber carpet. There is the other inhibitor to your enjoyment, the food. Assuredly your Aunt will be bringing her carrot and cheese casserole but the bulk of the food is going to be coming from your oven. As the host, it is under your ring of responsibility to provide a few dishes and a dessert. The other problem? Unlike at the local watering hole, you have no 'last call' to announce to the drunks and second cousins taking up residence at your pool table in the basement. Relatives tend to outlast their welcome and outlast your booze. Do not forget about clean up. There is something especially annoying about having to clean up around the toilet bowl where your nephew forgot Mr. Wee Wee needs to

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