by Patrick Tay

Created on: December 05, 2008

I believe that effort is the primary factor that sustains a marriage, not love.

Of course, most of us regardless of our marital status will want love to be an important and crucial component of our marriage. But placing too much importance on love as a crucial ingredient is not a wise choice. It is almost equivalent to placing trust and faith in the chemistry that often sizzles between new couples to tide them through their entire marriage lives, where in actuality, chemistry and love often do not last.

In some countries, statistics of social scientists have shown that some couples who are deeply in love and have chosen to marry are now facing serious marital woes and for most of them, their marriage is on the brink of collapse. This is especially so for the ladies who often feel that they have been suppressed by their dominant husbands. This can prevalently be seen in marriages that took place in the early 70s and 80s, especially in traditional families where a male-dominated mindset is common. And further studies have shown that these ladies have decided to file for divorce only in their later years. And the reason? They wanted to their children to be independent first before splitting up. Seen in this light, we can observe that love does not last for eternity or even a lifetime. If such a love exists, it probably exists only between spouses and their children. Even then, there has been reports of infants and children being abandoned or sold for a price, further reinforcing the fact that love is transient and ephemeral.

In contemporary times, the situation is worse. Most young couples often marry based on a strong passion that erupts, a certain gut feel, a short-sighted vision of their union. Unlike their parents who often marry due to family expectations or requited love, they marry on an urge caused by a chance encounter, a common interest, a strong rapport- neither of which provides a strong foundation for a lasting marriage. Compared to their parents, they have a worse deal. While love does not last forever, it is required (at least in the initial phase) for marriage to work. But young couples lack the patience to wait for love to blossom and hence, have chosen infatuations and instant gratifications instead, which is regrettable. This probably explains the low birth rates and increasing divorce rates in some countries.

Thus love is not the prescription for everlasting marriage.

Effort is.

If we want to hold our spouses' hands right into old age, we have to put in the necessary (which often mean tremendous) effort to earn it.

As what one relationship coach says, "Marriage is a lot of hard work. Are you prepared for it?"

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