by Lori King

Created on: December 05, 2008

I am only 23. Quite young, I know. I do not have the life experience behind me as far as years go but my life really kicked off when I went straight into the Air Force after graduation. I only lasted seven months but it was well worth the shot. I grew up. Alot. I was only 18 when I got married in September of 2003. I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter in January 2004, only a day after my birthday. I must admit I was positive I was pregnant on the car ride home from Texas with my husband that December. I just woke up and felt differently. And suddenly, I found myself feeling alone. I don't know why but I just did. I had a partner who was worth being with and meant the world to me. We had to live with my parents for a while until we found a place to live. I still felt empty. I sometimes think my empty feelings are related to my ambitions slowly swirling down the drain. I almost went to the Art Institute in Dallas, TX instead of the AF. But I did not want my parents to try and come up with that kind of money so I chose military life to get me started. I wanted to go to New York, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to mingle with celebrities but not the Paris Hilton kind, although they are interesting but no, I wanted to mingle with older and more sophisticated/intelligent people. I always got along best with older individuals. I even wanted to marry someone older but instead I married someone a couple months younger than I. My life is not bad right now. It's actually quite nice. My husband works for Union Pacific railroad and he is gone roughly every other week. I am unemployed but going back to school. Yet I still feel a void. There's part of me that sometimes feels as if I am supposed to be somewhere else other than here. No, I do not wish to leave the ones I am with. I do not regret my family that I have now. I just kind of wish I would have waited to start it is all. I don't know. All these dreams of being something other than what I am make me feel lonely inside. I cannot tell my husband or anyone else because I do not want them to think that divorce is on my mind. I would never make it on my own, not right now, not in these times. Especially with my two kids. If I could feel this void inside my heart, then I think I would finally feel complete. But I do not know how to do it. I don't even know where to start. There is one thing that my husband tells me that sort of makes me feel better and that is 'if everyone got what they wished for, then there would be nothing left to dream about.' I completely agree with this. If we had everything we ever wanted in life, then we would have nothing to look forward to. I know that my dreams will most likely be left behind and never come true but I can always dream about them at night and when I think about it, it makes the void feel full at least for a little while. Don't let life pass you by and most importantly, never settle for something just because the things you really want seem too far out of reach. Keep going until you are fully satisfied with what you have. Remember, fulfill your dreams; satisfaction guaranteed! Life offers no refunds.

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