by Patricia Sabina

Created on: December 03, 2008

You've seen it in the movies but you never thought in a million years it would happen to you. The love of your life - the person who stole your heart and who promised they would stand by you through thick and thin has left you stranded at the alter. This isn't how it was meant to happen. You were supposed to walk off together into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Your special day is in ruins. You meet a sea of faces in shock. The guests, your family, and your entourage do their absolute best to comfort you but you can't take it in. You pray it is all just a dream and you'll wake up any moment now, but the harsh reality of your worst nightmare isn't going to go away. The shock, the shame, and the hurt are overwhelming.

When the stark truth of your situation finally dawns, there are a few things you can do to ease the pain of the days ahead. Let's just say there are two aspects to your present predicament, these are the practicals and the process.

The practicals include everything connected to the wedding arrangements such as the wedding reception, the gifts, flowers, all the expenses, where you were going to live and so on. The process on the other hand, is all about you, your thoughts, feelings, and what you are left holding psychologically in relation to what has happened, such as the shame and sense of betrayal.

These are two different aspects requiring two quite different approaches. However they will inevitably cross paths when it comes to negotiating with the partner who has just abandoned you and that is why I strongly advise that you ask a family member or a trusted friend who is willing, to be your spokesperson and to negotiate on your behalf. This will protect the space that you need, as any contact with your deserter is likely to become heated and this won't help either of you move forward.

Aim for a fair and just settlement of expenses and any jointly owned property and belongings. Your anger may make you feel like exacting every possible revenge on your partner right now, but later on you will be glad you acted with equanimity, and retained your dignity. The sooner you are able to settle the practicals, the sooner you can begin to plan your future and to move on.

As for your process it will take as long as it takes. The single most important thing I will say, which could be the starting point for your recovery, whatever their reason for jilting you, it is not, and never will be about you. Do not let this be an opportunity for your internal critic to run riot and bombard you with an endless stream of negative judgements. It is not about you! Whatever their reason for walking away, it is all about them, their feelings of inadequacy, their doubt, their fear of commitment and their inability to be open and honest. You are not responsible for their actions. It is their business and their business only, so let all of that remain with them. The feelings of guilt they are bound to be left with may even work in your favour with regard to the practicals.

The fact is that the one element which is vital for a healthy relationship was sadly missing from the start. Without honesty and openness, the relationship was going nowhere. It is likely that there will come a time when you see this as lucky escape, but not for now. In the meantime, connect to what resources you, to the friends and people who love and care about you. Do the things which give you joy and a sense of wellbeing and be extra kind towards yourself. Better times are just around the corner.

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