by Lisa H Warren

Created on: December 03, 2008

Although there are circumstances under which I would allow a second husband (or a first one in some cases) to adopt my child, I generally lean toward thinking it is often wisest not to allow such an adoption.

In situations where a child is a baby, his other parent is dead, and there is a chance for him to grow up with two married parents and siblings who share their name; I can see where allowing an adoption to occur could be the right thing for some people. Even then, though, I, personally, would not have anyone else - spouse or not - adopt my child. Here's why:

One of the "beauties" of being a child's only living parent is not having to worry about custody problems in the event a divorce occurs (or in the event the other parent decides he wants to fight for custody). That is not to say that I believe there is "beauty" in a child's having a dead (or "may-as-well-be-dead") parent. There isn't. There are, however, advantages to even bad situations; and the advantage to the living/custodial parent in such a situation is not having to worry about anyone ever trying to take custody of the child.

No married person wants to live life in preparation for a divorce he hopes will never happen, but about half of all marriages end in divorce. Of those that don't, there are some in which people remain in spite of an unhealthy situation. This means that the odds of having an unexpected divorce become necessary several years down the road, or of deciding to remain in a less-than-ideal marriage are pretty good. In either of those situations, it seems to me, a parent and child are better off without more involvement with the spouse than is necessary.

An argument in favor of providing a child with, say, a second father is that a good role model and good relationship with a father (or father figure) is always important for a child. Children can and do benefit from any number of special relationships in their lives, and they can have such a special relationship with their parent's spouse without necessarily becoming the "official" child of that person. There is that old saying about how "a piece of paper" (the marriage certificate) doesn't make any difference in how much a couple cares about one another. The same could be said about a treasured, adult, father-figure in a child's life. Neither genes nor adoption certificates necessarily make for a healthy, close, and wonderful relationship with a parent or parent figure.

I am in favor of keeping children's lives as simple and easy-to-understand

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