by Rosannie Murillo

Created on: December 02, 2008

Now, I have never loved two women, but I was one of the two women who was loved for a very long time. It all started when I was 17 years old, freshly graduated out of high school and pregnant with my first child. I was madly in love with the father of my child and he was too...the problem? not entirely devoted to me and my life. Why you ask? Simple, his ex-girlfriend.

I had always known that he still had feelings for her due to the intense history they both shared in the time they spent in their relationship but besides that I had always kept my faith and the hope that he would someday leave her in the past and focus completely on me and our baby together because of what I felt for him. Those were some hard days and even harder nights. Doing everything I could to hold on to him, I unconsciously started adopting traits of her personality thinking that that would make him fall even more in love with me. I started being more spontaneus, more up-beat, more energetic because I am normally a low-maintenance woman and you don't see me all happy-go-lucky all the time; so I thought by being that way I would attract him more to me. Heck, I even started to dress a little bit like her and do my hair somewhat like her because they were similar as it is.

Time kept passing by and was still battling her shadow over my life and over his heart. I knew he loved me, but I also knew she wasn't completely out of his heart and mind. You have no idea how much this disturbed me and you're probably thinking why I remained with him in the first place. Ironically, I have asked myself that question so many times you wouldn't even believe. But I always came up with the same answer, I did it because I loved him and because I had a dream of forming the family I never had with him and our son and that dream meant more to me than any other aspect of my life.

Two years later, after all of the effort I had invested in doing this and all of the sacrifice I went through I came to the conclusion that I had not gained anything at all in reality. I saw it all blow up in my face when I saw my relationship with him end and know that I had really wasted my time being somebody I was not just so he would love me more. Right now it's been really hard for me to accept my newly-found reality but if there is one thing I learned is the person who loves me will love me for me not for trying to be somebody I'm not, and most of all will love my son first and foremost.

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