by Ann E. Smith

Created on: December 02, 2008   Last Updated: March 24, 2010

In today’s world, co-dependency is somewhat common. You’ve heard of it but aren’t quite sure what it means. It occurs when two people are in such a close relationship that boundaries get blurred. A parent plays more of the role of a friend, or siblings rely on each other too heavily.

In a co-dependent relationship, both parties tend to be somewhat needy, or imbalanced at the very least. However, one tends to be the stronger one and the other is the weaker party. As both parties are unhealthy in their own ways, they engage in abnormal behavior. The weaker party relies too much on what the stronger party thinks and does. The stronger party does not feel important without having the needy party under his wing, and will go to all kinds of lengths to keep the dynamics of the relationship this way.

Co-dependency varies in its extremes, but it can lead to sick thinking and weird behaviors. It is often common in a parent-child relationship when the parent is a highly controlling person.

As a result, the parent manipulates the child in ways that makes the child overly needy and reliant upon them. The child may then tell the parent more than he should, or develop his self-image solely around what the parent thinks.

The parent, in return, may start living vicariously through the child in a highly unhealthy way, demanding to know details of the child's life that just are not their business. It's amazing how quickly a pattern of co-dependent behavior can be established between a parent and child, and how long that can go on - in some cases, for a lifetime.

There have been many high-profile cases in which an adult child is a partner in crime with a parent. You may wonder how the parent could get their child to do certain things. More than likely, the child has been caught up in a co-dependent relationship all of his life.

With co-dependency, almost all things get twisted and warped. Love is defined in different ways. Threats are often made to keep the needier party dependent on the stronger one. Volatility is often common in the relationship. And, secrets are common as well as many of the behaviors would not be considered normal by outsiders.

A common side effect of a co-dependent relationship is possessiveness. This can lead to all kinds of problems for both parties involved, especially if the child tries to be more independent as he grows up or when he gets married.

As with many things, balance is hugely important in relationships, especially those with your kids. If you think you have issues with co-dependency, there are 12-step programs that can help you break this vicious cyle and live a better and more balanced life.

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