by Joe Paradis

Created on: December 02, 2008

The Family Christmas Letter

Before we let another Christmas season settle into the mythical snow bank, I'd like to take a shot at one of my biggest pet peeves those family letters that some people stuff into their Christmas cards. You know, the letter that tells you everything about their family. How perfect the kids are. How big the house is. How wonderful the job is. How many social events they've been to the past year. Who's sick; who died. I've had to run for the toilet after reading some of these, with an urge to purge. Pleeez

So in the spirit of this phenomenon, I present to you my spoof of:

The Gastronimi Family Christmas Letter

Happy Holidays to all our friends and family from the Gastronimis! This is our thirteenth annual letter and we hope you've enjoyed every one of them. I know we have. Where should we start this year?

The kids are all doing great. Reba just turned twelve and is doing well in the halfway house. Reform school was a bit tough for her, but she seems to have conquered the urge to turn all the outside faucets on in the neighborhood. We admit that last flood wasn't pretty and we all really miss Mr. Kiley's dog.

Leviticus continues to build his spiked dog collar collection. He has over sixty of them now and tries to wear a different one each day. We have to admit he goes through a lot of collared shirts, but luckily, everything he wears is black, so it's hard to notice the shreds. He has a new haircut too he'll single-handedly bring back the Mohawk, our little fashion freak!

Moon Unit, our youngest, is starting to use the toilet now. She was having some difficulty telling the difference between the cat's litter box and the toilet, but we think that's been resolved. We expect the cats to return any day.

Nancy has just taken the Bar Exam for the ninth time. We're very excited! She's hopeful this might be the last, but is seriously considering other options, just in case. She's somewhat intrigued by public service and thinks being a meter maid might be fun. Or making pottery. Either way, she still plans to save time to grow her Jerusalem artichokes and hunt turtles. She still enjoys collecting old tires and has over 500 in the garage. Someday she'll get around to sorting them by size and manufacturer, maybe when the kids finally graduate from school in fourteen or fifteen years.

Jeff's business continues to grow. His patent for the dung beetle lure was just approved and he thinks this could be our big financial breakthrough. At least we might be able to get the station wagon back after Mr. Spigattoni's friends came to take it away. Jeff's legs are starting to heal nicely too.

Family trips this year included a ride to Hooksett to visit the new Shaw's, a family walk behind the shed to see what really lives there, and a quick visit to the neighbors' pool while they were shopping last summer. Moon Unit hurt herself climbing out of the pool and we're thinking of filing a lawsuit. People shouldn't put jelly fish in their pool where others could get hurt.

We also visited Uncle Ned at "The Big House". He's doing just fine and expects to be out in ten or twelve years, with good behavior or sooner, he says. We brought him those brochures about South American countries, like he asked. Gramps and Nanny bring him a loaf of bread every day and he always brags to us about his great file and hacksaw blade collection. Everyone in our family collects something!

We close with gratitude to all of you, our friends and family, especially to Larry for putting out that little fire and to cousin Frank for the used sweatbands. Sincere wishes for a wonderful holiday season and a healthy new year.

The Gastronimi Family

Jeff

Nancy

Reba

Leviticus

Moon Unit

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