by DLK

Created on: December 02, 2008

Normally this title would have passed me by without so much as a glance. I would have thought, "I don't have to learn to pay attention to my children, I give of myself all day. My children talk incessantly and I hear all that they say. What I need is to learn to pay more attention to myself."

How wrong I really was. It is true that I am with my children all day long. It is true that we share so much with each other and it is true that I enjoy every moment with them. It is also true that we live in a beautiful house, on a cul-de-sac so they can ride their bikes in the neighborhood. It is true that I make sure we sit down to family meals 5 out of the 7 nights of the week. They understand the importance of family and being together. We all love each other and respect one another. So how can pay more attention to my children? And why?

What I am coming to understand as my children grow, is that I need to be more present with them. As I learn more about this life and my place in it, I understand that although the values that I hold dear and have passed to my children is a legacy I am proud of, it is not all I want to give to them. It is not enough that I hear them. It is not enough that I give to them. It is not enough that I do for them. I need to be present with them and teach them to be present with others.

As I become more aware, I have noticed that while my children are going on about their life, I am thinking about mine. My children don't realize this and I didn't either. It looks to any casual observer as if I am there, really there. I was saddened to first realize that there are times when I am not truly there for my children. This was something I needed to do, for them and for me.

Turning off my own inner "voice" while a child is speaking, was tough at first, but the more I practiced it the more liberating it felt. I saw them and really heard them and their excitement was the catalyst that helped when I felt myself slipping into that mind chatter. Pushing away a thought about laundry felt so right, why was I making the list in my head right then? I can do my laundry or think about my conversation with a friend when my son is finished talking. The more I pushed the thoughts out, the easier and more necessary it seemed. If I was reading a book and they came to me, I shut the book and looked into their eyes, heard what they had to say and either responded if they needed me to and answer a question, or I was just there. Sometimes, they just need a sounding board - one that comes with a smile and a hug. No judging, no criticizing just listening. The more still you can be in your thoughts, the longer you will hold your children, both in conversation and in your arms.

This has improved my relationship with my children and my husband more than I could have thought. I had no idea that I needed to learn how to pay attention. I never realized that my children needed me in a way that I wasn't really aware. That pesky inner voice will surface from time to time while my children command my attention, but the very push that I give to rid my mind from them is all it takes to create a space for my child. They don't realize, but now I do.

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