by Rachel Stockton

Created on: December 02, 2008

In her groundbreaking book, CODEPENDENT NO MORE, Melody Beattie relayed the story of her relationship with a drug addict. In a futile attempt to control him and his chemical dependency, she describes a scene she "set up" to get his attention.

She carefully (and dramatically) created a scene with a spoon and some sugar to trick him into thinking she'd been taking cocaine. She then laid on the couch, waiting for him to assess the situation. When he finally came in, Melody jumped and said, "See how it feels?"

Instead of impacting him enough to get professional help, she merely made herself look foolish; she realized she was hopelessly codependent, and that something had to change.

WHAT IS CODEPENDENCE?

Codependence became a buzzword in the late 80s and early 90s; it was coined to describe the dysfunctional relationship between an addict or an alcoholic, and his enabling spouse. The wife in such scenarios care takes to her own detriment. Often she feels used and abused, and out of control; and actually she's exactly right, she is all of those things.

But, in reality, her problem goes beyond that of her addict spouse's. In the movie "When a Man Loves a Woman," Andy Garcia excellently portrays the codependent husband of an alcoholic wife (Meg Ryan). After her return from rehab, she makes a concerted effort to get healthy. The healthier she got, the more out of sorts her husband felt. He'd gotten used to controlling everything, and as a matter of fact, got a sense of purpose in taking care of her.

CODEPENDENT PARENTING

Alexis B. recalls an embarrassing scene she had with her daughter, Allison. "She called me while I was at work, demanding that I bring her money so she could get her yearbook. I left my classroom [she taught 3rd grade] drove to the high school, and took her the money. When I got there, she didn't even thank me; she went into a tirade about how long she had to wait before I got there." Alexis had an "aha" moment at that point. "I knew that I'd created a monster, and that something had to give."

Alexis recognized that she had crossed the line from being a concerned, effective parent, to that of a caretaking slave to the whims of her daughter. She had on several occasions, called in sick for Allison, knowing full well that she wasn't ill; she just didn't want to go to work.

MAKING THE CHANGE

Currently, there's a highly successful series on television called "Intervention." Weekly the show profiles those whose lives have been wrecked by chemical dependency. The

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