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Co-dependency is a psychological concept which is often associated with addiction or compulsive behaviour and can have the effect of reversing the parent-child relationship.

A "co-dependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for people who depend on them. A "co-dependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties or addictions they seemingly are unable to overcome. The "co-dependent" exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities and takes other actions to continue the needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.

So a parent would have a co-dependent relationship with their child, in which they might sub-consciously make excuses for their child's behaviour in order to gain sympathy from their child. An example is a child who is badly behaved at school and the parent explains their behaviour by defending their child and says it is because they have an undiagnosed learning difficulty. In the short term, tensions may be reduced and the situation may be rationalized, but it is counter-productive in the long-term because the parent "supports" or "enables" the bad behaviour to continue.

Co-dependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally vulnerable or needy. In parent-child relationship, it's the child who is the needy party.

This example is a daily situation I have to face at the school where I work. Many pupils claim to have undiagnosed ADHD and persistently use it to justify bad behaviour. They are supported by their parents and continuously get away with it, even though there is no medical evidence.

Although co-dependency is often associated with conditions such as alcoholism, where spouses "explain" and "enable" the continued behaviour of the alcoholic, it is relevant to parenting because many parents attempt to justify their child's behaviour. Despite its short-term advantages, co-dependency is about interference in and micro-management of the child's life. It demonstrates the emotional needs of the parent more than child and can produce children who are likewise dependent on others because they aren't given the opportunity to think for themselves.

Children of co-dependents can also lack insight and responsibility because they are always given excuses for their behaviour. This gives them a free reign to continue. Where parents want the best for their children and try to provide the love and support their children need, co-dependent parents take this a step too far with their distorted view of unconditional support. While the child depends on the parent for providing the basics in life, the parent's mutual dependence is on the child for providing the focus for them to live their life through. So where we see co-dependency, it's much more than simply a parent acting out of straightforward love and affection for their child.

Learn more about this author, Ben Hughes.
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