Once only thought to affect a person afflicted with alcoholism or a drug addiction, co-dependency is now known to have the potential to affect any person raised in a dysfunctional family setting. But, what is co-dependency and how does it relate to parenting?
People suffering from co-dependency are "The Fixers" of everyone else's problems. In order to feel needed, wanted or worthy they have to be in the midst of some sort of turmoil they've convince themselves can only be rectified through their own personal intervention; they see themselves as martyrs. They see themselves as caregivers, but fail to recognize when the role becomes a compulsion and self-defeating.
Here are a few character traits a co-dependent person may exhibit. This list is not all-inclusive.
They feel responsible for the actions of others; especially those close to them.
They take on an enormous amount of responsibility; even when it's not theirs.
They become easily hurt when their efforts are not recognized by others.
They have an exaggerated need for approval.
They are not assertive by nature.
They have a hard time adjusting to change of any kind.
They have a great fear of being abandoned and will do anything to maintain a relationship.
They find saying "no" to anyone, hard.
Because a co-dependent person has no sense of personal identity they think of the other person and never consider how their actions affect themselves as an individual. Their identity is derived from their attempt to "rescue" those around them. As such, they do not develop emotionally. This will lead to long-term severe ramifications both to themselves and those they try to rescue.
EFFECTS ON THE "RESCUER"
Because the rescuer never learns to deal with their own feelings, desires or needs they go into survival mode. This can mean different things to different co-dependent people.
They minimize any attempts by others to talk with them about their own troubles or feelings. "Oh I'm fine. Sure it was hard, but life is hard anyways right? It's no big deal."
They refuse to address any issue that casts even the slightest shadow over them. "If you want to talk about someone who needs a few lessons in manners you should take a look at what's-his-name."
They survive by turning the attention on other people and their problems, and then attempt to fix those problems as a way to gain approval from others. "What's-his-name is spending all his money on booze each week, and his landlord keeps asking him where the rent is. I've offered to take him to alcoholics anonymous."
Over time they begin to feel as if they have no choice anymore but to rescue. "I know what's-his-name should pay his own bills, but he doesn't know how to write a check or even balance a checkbook. How will his bills get paid if I don't do it for him?"
EFFECTS ON THE RESCUED
While the effects of co-dependency are more numerous to the rescuer than to the rescued there are still some effects that can hinder the rescued's own emotional development and ability to successfully navigate through life independently.
A person who is constantly rescued never learns to rescue themselves. When there's a storm on the horizon they have no clue how to deal with it because they've never been made too; their rescuer has always weathered the storm for them.
They never learn to reason or debate something for themselves. Their rescuers has always reasoned and debated life's issues for them.
Because co-dependency is a learned behavior, the rescued stands a good chance of becoming co-dependent also.
So how does co-dependency relate to parenting?
The goals of parenting are many. We teach children to be responsible for their behavior. We help them to build their self-esteem, and show them how to handle different situation by the way we react to that situation ourselves. We allow them to express their thoughts and feelings and teach them how to constructively deal with them. If a parent is co-dependent it's impossible to teach a child these things, and any others, that will give them a chance to develop meaningful and lasting relationships with those they love and care about.
A co-dependent parent is simply too emotionally immature to affectively parent in a manner that is beneficial to their child. It doesn't mean they don't love their child; that's a ludicrous assumption. It means they are still at a point in their life where they need help, guidance and reassurance to grow just as much as their child does.
Co-dependency doesn't mean you are hopeless as a parent or that your child is destined to repeat the same dysfunctional behavior that you currently demonstrate. I know; I'm a recovering co-dependent person.
While it's true it will take a lot of effort, diligence and truth to overcome your co-dependency, it's more than possible; it's achievable for you just as it was for me.
Don't let your co-dependency control your life and deprive you of confidently having loving meaningful relationships with others, including your child. The following link will take you to a website that will give you all you need to get started on healing yourself and thus help you to become a positive effect in your child's life.
http://www.codependents.org/index.php