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Everyone is a therapist

The concept of codependency has been popularized in the world of modern psychology, but it has broad enough parameters that it can be difficult to specifically attach to relational situations. It has some similarities to the condition of depression because people use it very casually, despite the sometimes-serious nature. Codependency can occur in a variety of relational combinations, and here is what it might mean in a parenting situation.

Definitions

In general terms, codependency is when someone is so invested in caring for another person that they are unable to detach themselves from that care. The caregiver becomes so immersed in the care that sometimes they can't objectively understand that they are intertwined with the person and the care. Hence, the term codependency applies. The person being cared for needs the caregiver and the caregiver needs to define him or herself by the caregiver work that they do. The care can include categories like physical, emotional, or financial.

The realities of parenting

Granted, parenting has a certain level of codependency that is unavoidable and perfectly healthy. Children, particularly very young children, need their parents. Offspring in their early years cannot survive on their own. Therefore, it is perfectly reasonable for parents to meet the physical, emotional, and financial needs of their children without it being unhealthy or unreasonable. When adults become parents, they agree (in theory) to take on the responsibility of raising their child. Doing so with dedication is expected, and perfectly acceptable.

Paranoia

There are situations in parenting that could be described as having "codependent" tendencies. When parents are unable to separate themselves from their children, there may be some codependency. Parents still need to spend some "adult" time together so that they can continue to grow their relationship. For example, some parents have difficulty leaving their children in the early stages of parenthood. They may be hesitant to get a babysitter so they can go out on a date. Even if they do go out, they may find themselves calling home on a regular basis to make sure everything is fine.

Unable to relax

Other parents find themselves jumping up and rushing to their child the moment that they cry, rather than allowing the child to learn coping skills. Sometimes this is an intentional technique, but other times it is a signal that the parents are unable to break away. Again, some of this is normal and healthy, particularly for new parents who are nervous about being out for the first time. It may become codependency when they go months and years without getting out.

Singular focus

There can also be some codependency when parents focus all of their energy on their children and are unable to interact with other people. This is manifested in some of the extreme over-commitments of youth sports in today's society. It is also seen in routine situations where parents have to call and cancel activities because they are uncertain about leaving their child.

Balance

Granted, parents must care for their children. They can't simply walk away from them because they want to avoid codependency. Still, life is about balance and there is a time and a place for parents to take some time for themselves. If people are becoming codependent with their children, it may take a family member or a friend who is willing to step in and point out unhealthy trends. This should be done with care, as most parents don't exactly enjoy being critiqued. However, the health of the whole family may demand that someone express a word of concern.

Learn more about this author, Todd Pheifer.
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