by Elaine Sihera

Created on: November 29, 2008

Q. If your boyfriend loves someone else, can you accept it? if he loves your best friend and your friend also loves him, can you ever accept it?

A. I would have to accept that love or attraction. What am I going to do about it? Force him to love me? I cannot think of anything worse than to try to hang on to someone who doesn't wish to be with me - a constant second best.

There really is nothing great in being second best and trying to live with that. There is always someone else for us if we believe in ourselves, love ourselves and are patient. People come into our lives to help us on our journey. They will always teach us something, whether it is good or bad. It all helps in our development as we go on our individual ways. However, while many people can accept that someone can easily fall in love with them, their fear of rejection and low self-esteem prevent them from recognising that their lovers can fall in love with someone else too.

Falling in love is not a forever activity. It is for the moment. Then when the two strangers have a chance to get to know each other properly, that initial love/lust will either die away altogether because there is not enough emotional, physical or intellectual feelings between the couple to sustain it, or it will thrive and become much longer lasting ending up in a long-term relationship. When we love ourselves we are in a better position to accept rejection, to accept that the other person might not want us anymore. But when we lack self-love, we expect others to compensate for that lack by loving us instead. Soon we become unattractive because of that expectation as the relationship becomes clingy and claustrophobic. We probably become distrustful, interfering, invading their space and watching their every move. The friendship gradually loses its joy and then the other person wants out.

The best way to attract others is to begin to love ourselves. To appreciate ourselves and to respect ourselves. We then have people on mutual terms, not just theirs. The first law of respect says: When someone comes into my life, he comes in freely and we both have the right to be with each other, if we so wish. Equally, when the feelings are no longer there on either side, it is also our right to terminate the friendship, freely, and move on, no problems. That's a part of growing up. Just because I might feel sad or rejected when that person doesn't love me anymore, does not give me the right to curtail his movements, to demand that he stays with me or to refuse to accept his actions. That's not the action of a fully mature adult. Jealousy, revenge or vindictiveness are not attractive qualities. Just as he has found someone else, if I truly love and value myself I will realise that, in time, I too will find someone. He is not the only man available.

It might be doubly hurtful because the new woman is my best friend. But it shows what kind of guy he is too, which makes it good that I have found out earlier rather than later who I am dealing with.

Whenever you might doubt what to do in such a situation, ask yourself this important question: If YOU fell in love with someone else, regardless of who they are, would you expect your boyfriend to accept it fully, or to keep hanging on to you? Your reply would be the right answer for you.

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