THREE Key Reasons NOT to go into a Relationship.
Many people go into relationships with all the best intentions in the world then wonder why they still fail. This is because the dynamics of two people getting together follow certain patterns or trends, despite each person being unique. If those trends are not spotted and understood, we tend to keep repeating them over and over again.
The following reasons are the biggest culprits of short-lived relationships and should deter anyone from rushing in without thinking:
1. "Because I feel lonely."
That's the worst time to hitch up with someone else. We came into this world on our own and we leave it alone too. It means that for 24/7 we are going to have to get used to the person inside our heads and our bodies. If we cannot stand our own company for any length of time, no one else will find it attractive either. The first law of any successful relationship is for both parties to happy with themselves, feel happy with their bodies, to enjoy that solitude of being alone at times. For you to work out what makes you tick as a person so that you can spot what suits you a mile off. When you don't know who you are, don't know what makes you happy or unhappy and dread spending time on your own, that won't be endearing to anyone else. In fact, you are likely to miss what really makes you happy when you focus on others instead of yourself.
It is quite fine to feel lonely on odd occasions when we desire the company of someone else around us. Nothing wrong with that. But if we love company than we love ourselves, or feel lonely all the time that we are alone, there is an inadequacy within us which no one else can fill, no matter how they might try. It means that whenever that person is not there we will always feel lonely within ourselves and miss them even more. We should go into a relationship because we genuinely love that person and desire their company in our lives, not because we feel lonely.
2. "Because he/she loves me."
No, no. no. no, no! If you are going into a relationship mainly because someone else loves you and it makes you feel good, but you don't love yourself either, that will be a short relationship in the making. A key part of the first law of relationships is that each person LOVES themself. When you both bring 100% self love to the equation, you are more likely to bring 100% respect, affirmation and appreciation too. There are many couples who primarily depend on each another for love and affection. That's fine in the honeymoon days. But wherever you have one person loving more than another in a friendship, there is the recipe for disaster in the making because you essentially have one giver and one taker instead of two givers. Both parties need to love themselves and each other equally. It means that should there be problems, and one person leaves the relationship, the other party won't feel too bereft and alone because their good feelings would not have been totally dependent upon the other person.
Broken relationships hurt primarily because one person is too dependent on the other party's love and affection. When that is taken away, the other person feels terribly rejected and unwanted. They are likely to judge themselves just by the yardstick of that partner and when he/she goes, it is a very painful and awful time for the one left behind. Once we love ourselves and feel good with us, when someone leaves us we will appreciate immediately that they came into our lives to share our journey, not to make it. When they leave, they would have taught us the lesson we were meant to learn and have moved on to continue their own journey. We would then thank them, grieve briefly and move on too, feeling better than before, not worse. By feeling really baldly and rejected, we actually reject ourselves and the amazing people we are. Most important, we close off other opportunities to meet even better people later on while we hang back in the past in misery and victimhood. Any relationship should be based on mutual love and appreciation, not because one person is doing all the loving for both.
3. "Because she/he has money etc."
Never get into a relationship simply because of what a person has. Possessions should be a bonus that eases the path of the friendship on a material basis, but it shouldn't be the essential foundation for that partnership. A good test of why you are settling with someone is to ask yourself: If there was a flood, earthquake or any other natural disaster tomorrow that robbed us of everything we have, would I still be interested in this person? Would I still love and care for them? That's a most important question because you have to wake up every day with him/her, and if all you can see are their possessions and not who they really are, that's a very weak reason for getting into such a relationship. Money and possessions might offer some material security, but one can easily lose a fortune or reputation in a day as gain it (Elliot Spitzer?). Would you stand by your gal or guy in those circumstances? If you wouldn't, then the best advice is not to go there!
Worse still, a relationship where money is the key factor makes it unequal from day one, giving power to the owner on an unhealthy scale: mainly the power of one person over another brought through wealth. The person on the receiving end might feel great at the beginning, being showered with things or pampered daily, but the mere fact that the money belongs to someone else brings it's own power pressures of one person always being beholden to another. Many people can exercise that power in a very insensitive way, using it as a very strong form of control. In those kind of unequal relationships, respect and genuine love are the last things that's likely to be found in them. Paul McCartney and Heather Mills? The minute she married him, her motives would have been suspect, no matter how much she 'loved' him. Now that the relationships was so short, and she has fought so hard to get a share of his wealth to which she did not contribute, many people's worst fears as to her reasons for the relationship would have been confirmed. Yet, I guess that the real power in that relationship would have been Paul, as he was the one with the main resources.
The best relationships begin with self-love, self appreciation and respect in both parties. It means neither party is dependent on the other to provide all the love and affection needed. There will be 100% contribution from both parties which is likely to nurture and encourage a much longer and more fulfilling relationship.