Parenting is neither an all or nothing pursuit nor does it lend itself well to a 12-step mentality. To parent effectively one needs to be patient, flexible and intuitive. Being sensitive to and aware of a child's unique capabilities at each stage of development is paramount. What might be a good strategic parenting step for a 1-year-old does not necessarily carry through or apply when parenting a 3-year-old or a10-year-old.
If parenting were a 12-step program the relapse rate would be great. There are far too many variables involved in the act of parenting to tidily narrow it down into 12 easy steps. Variables such as socioeconomic, health, cultural, religious and geographical factors all play a role in parenting, as does a child's basic temperament. Combine these factors with parental temperament, upbringing, education and general outlook on life and the only parenting program that realistically would work across the board is a simple one consisting of three very basic principles.
First, do not physically, mentally or sexually abuse your children. Do not confine them to small, dark places for extended periods of time or tie them to things. No matter what the religious, spiritual, intellectual, cultural or disciplinary logic is behind abuse, it is universally the best way to let loose on the world intrinsically damaged, apathetic and potentially dangerous people. Kindly redirect your abusive urges towards yourself or else seek outside psychiatric help. The world will thank you.
Second, do not neglect your children. Provide them with the basic necessities of life including food, shelter and clothing; please brush their teeth. It is disturbing and sad to hear about a 2-year-old who has had to undergo anesthesia and all the risks associated with it because basic dental hygiene was not attended to.
As sad as that is, nothing is sadder than parental neglect resulting in death because of a failure to appropriately clothe or properly feed a child. Take the example of an inebriated Saskatchewan man who took his two young toddlers out in the frigid Canadian winter with nothing on but t-shirts and diapers; those children were found frozen to death. Although a 12-step parenting program may be ineffective, for this particular parent a 12-step AA program could not have hurt.
Properly feeding a child may seem like a no-brainer, but sometimes with all the various belief systems and lifestyle choices out there it is the basic no-brainers that need to be reiterated and reinforced. Take the case of the zealous vegan couple who unintentionally starved their newborn child to death by providing only apple juice and soy milk as the baby's only form of sustenance. Most probably, if that couple had followed a very basic parenting program that decreed feeding your child properly supersedes belief system or lifestyle choice, that baby would be alive and well today.
The third and final very basic principle is to provide lots of attention and direction within a loving environment. While children shrink and wither within the constraints of an abusive and neglectful upbringing, they thrive in the glow of parental attention. As long as the first two principles are followed, it does not really matter what type of direction and guidance a parent chooses to give a child, as long as it is done with love. All the rest is just filler and parental preservatives.
As parents we are bound to mess up every once in a while, but as long as it is just the filler we mess up, in the end our children will become decent, functioning members of society. Hopefully, in turn, our children will honor and take care of us in our old age, with our geriatric issues of dementia and incontinence, by utilizing the same three basic principles with love.