by Frank Deutschen

Created on: November 29, 2008   Last Updated: February 06, 2010

Depression- So misunderstood.

I face this battle every day, it bothers me mentally and hurts physically. I wish I could have it removed surgically, but I can't. I'm just amazed at how I find the fuel to continue living. An angel from God must be watching over me, giving me strength and hope. The utmost courage to carry on! But how need not to have this burden. When will it finally be lifted from my shoulders?

Depression is the worst disease that I could personally think of right now. I've tried several medications and each one has multiple side effects that make this disease seem even worse. Currently I'm not on anything; and I do have difficulty sleeping restfully and I wake up just as tired as I did when I went to bed. I suffer from chronic pain as well, which makes the depression worse. It's hard to talk about it because others have their own share of problems and don't often have the time to listen. Most of the time it's very difficult to establish relationships because of this disease. I feel that I'm too quirky anyway. I don't know if I would say that I'm lonely or that I'd rather be alone. Relationships are complicated as far as I'm concerned.

I have had depression for as long as I could remember and it has been steadily and progressively getting worse over the past several years. Having a series of unfortunate events has taken it's toll. Usually, I try to put on that "brave face" and try to show that I'm doing alright but it's getting very difficult to continue with this trend. At certain points in the past several months I have felt suicidal and extremely worthless. I do have several interests that do help alleviate some of the trauma of this disease and they have been helping with the healing process.

What people say about music is very true. I listen to several genres frequently, and I also play the guitar; as well as attempting to write songs. Just listening to music helps me to feel that I'm not alone and it actually feels like I'm on a fabulous journey! Music also alleviates most of the physical pain that I suffer. My belief in God helps me immensely, just knowing that I'm loved and cared for is a feeling beyond words. To all the non-believers out there and to all of those that suffer, start believing! God will help if you let him!

I like to read about this disease and I try to do research as well. After all, I am trying to get cured so I don't have to suffer anymore. I just wish depression wasn't such a stigma, those who don't have it often label us as "flaky". I just feel tortured by it at times and I am trying to do the best that I can. Fortunately, I am able to hold a steady job. I do manage to make it to work everyday on time! I guess I'm trying to prove to others that I can do it and if I could, they could do it too. My philosophy is that you can't stay down forever! Maybe I'm winning this battle after all. I don't know how many realize that Winston Churchill suffered from depression and he led a nation during dire times. I would have to say that he was and exemplary leader! One of my favorite musicians of all time, Brian Wilson has battled this disease as well. At the age of 66 he is in the most constructive phase of his career. For someone as humble as myself, he truly a role model. I hope by sharing these words, I'm helping others to feel that they are not alone and that there is some comfort in knowing that. We may be misunderstood, but there is hope and there is light at the end of the tunnel!

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