by Bettina Vesper

Created on: November 29, 2008   Last Updated: May 29, 2011

A parent willing to ask the question of how to disagree with their child without alienating them already has concern about boundaries and respect. A parent who also wants to hear the answer to that question is on the path to a relationship of mutual respect.

Mutual respect is a quality that is grown over the years. To gracefully disagree with our loved ones requires compassion and understanding. One idiom is "seek to understand, then to be understood." A parent who does not exercise consideration has likely experienced relationship strain with their adult child.

The job of parenting does not come with a Handbook. Depending on how much support we have had, it can be a daunting experience. Sometimes we succumb to fear a negative emotion that can result in a barrage of unproductive behaviors. While in a mode of fear, disagreement can be perceived as a threat rather than for what it is a difference in thinking or a lack of experience. The more we can operate without fear, the more we can guide our children instead of controlling them.

In a perfect world a parent is able to gradually guide their children to independence by trial and error. By being there unconditionally when children make mistakes instead of berating them, children can feel that it is okay to learn. By modeling increasing accountability for actions kids learn responsibility.

While our children certainly can be a reflection of us, some parents make the mistake of living through their children. When they hear opposing opinions or see incongruent actions they become offended even when their children are of legal age. When conflict arises with an adult child it is more helpful to ask: "Have you thought this through? Have you considered?" Being able to respond rather than react we can learn to disagree without anger and disappointment. When people, not just children, feel acceptance and appreciation it is safe to experience a difference in thinking. The exception to this of course is if our adult child is engaging in destructive behaviors that will hurt someone else that cannot defend themselves, like our grandchildren.

One of our most powerful needs as humans is autonomy. Even if our family relationships were less than healthy we can learn how to communicate. By observing boundaries we can state what we want and what we will tolerate, especially in our own homes. It is only fair that our adult children have the right to state what they want, especially in their own homes. As parents we must be mindful of whether our adult children are even asking for our advice or opinions.

With some awareness, intention and commitment we can aspire to harmony with our children who have become adults. Although they came through us, they are not our property. We can convey to them how much we care; that if we cross the line they can tell us. This can all be easier said than done. After all, if this were possible for most people we would not have the Jerry Springer Show and world peace would be possible within our lifetime.

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