by Todd Pheifer

Created on: November 29, 2008

In the movie "Father of the Bride", Steve Martin plays a father who is having trouble dealing with the fact that his daughter is getting married. When getting together with the future in-laws, the father of the groom comments, "Yep, at some point you have to let them go and hope you raised them right." This is rather difficult for some parents, as they are convinced that their children should think, behave, and BE just like they were (and are). Here are a few thoughts on how parents go wrong in their expectations.

Adopting styles

Raising children to be a certain way is a reasonable and expected part of parenting. The parents teach their kids values, morals, and certain approaches to life. Still, every person has their own style and this can be an adjustment for parents. Kids, by nature, absorb some aspects of their parents. They also reject some of their upbringing, either because they remember a negative experience or because they think it through and arrive at a different conclusion when they become an adult. In either case, parents can try to teach their kids things, but they must allow their children to develop their own personalities.

Living vicariously

Sometimes problems result when a parent tries to live out prior aspects of their own lives through the experiences of their children. This is often seen in the overzealous parent who forces their children to engage in too many sports, music lessons, or other activities. These are all positive activities of childhood, but sometimes the parent thinks they are going to make their child into a star. Sometimes the parent was a "star" themselves at some prior juncture of their lives. Or, they may have been a failure at something and they are determined to correct their failures through their children. In either case, parents have to be sure that they are encouraging involvements for the benefit of the child, and not just for themselves.

The life of success

Finally, parents are often concerned that they children experience "success" in their lives. The word success is rather vague, but for many people in western society it means well-paying careers or other material success. Sometimes children want to pursue vocational interests that are very different than what the parents have done. This can be difficult for that parent who imagined their child taking over the family business or pursuing one of a handful of choice careers. Overall, the parent must again remember that the child must make their own decisions. Guidance is a wonderful thing, but ultimately the child must choose their own path.

Parents must love their children, no matter what happens. They can certainly be disappointed with the choices that they make and it is not unreasonable for a parent to want more for their child. However, there are boundaries to parental expectations and it is important that mom and dad remember that they can't live out the child's life for them. They can give advice, guide, instruct, and encourage. But, in the end, the child must grow up to be their own person and take his or her own life journey.

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