Not so long ago, there was not really a choice in the matter. People got married because they had to and pity the poor spinster who only had cats to live with.
In our society, times have definitely changed in that we have a choice of whether to get married or remain unmarried.
I believe in marriage. I dreamed about it as a girl and I even tried it out too. I hope for a marriage for my son when he is ready, because I hope that he does find the special woman to marry.
In spite of my belief that marriage is a good thing for individuals and for society, I have come to the conclusion that marriage is not for everyone.
I use myself as an example.
I got married at 20 years old. I was divorced by 25. The marriage failed for a host of reasons. Looking back, I know I was too young and I had had my doubts even before the vows were taken. Even though my then-husband was eight years older than I, he was no more mature than I was. We were clueless. Having a child only made our cluelessness more apparent.
Many couples start out the same way and are still able to figure out how to make their marriage work, but in my case, we found that the more we were together, the less we liked each other. He was not a bad person and I was not a bad person but the simple fact is that together, we were not good for each other.
And so we divorced.
He later remarried and now has a child with his second wife. Because his second marriage has been successful, any lingering regrets that I might have had that I had made the wrong decision have long been erased. I know that we did the right thing in our decision to divorce.
As for myself, I have not remarried. I often joke that the reason that I have not remarried is due to my only brother getting married four times. "You've used up all the marriage tokens!" I scold him. "There are none left for me!"
Jokes aside, I have met two men in the post-divorce years who were tempting, but in the end, I couldn't take the bait. After the last man, I wonder if I am mentally built for the institution any more. When a person says, "I have become set in my ways," it isn't always rhetoric. A person does get set in their ways especially when it comes to independence.
When done right, marriage is a blessing. I have seen good examples of marriages in my parents, my aunts and uncles, and two of my cousins. I see how healthy a good marriage is for two people and their families.
Yet, marriage requires flexibility and compromise. As a friend of mine told me, "Getting married is easy. Staying married is hard. It means saying sorry when it isn't always your fault because it is easier than fighting for another two hours. It means trying not to let the day-to-day grind ground out the love that got us together in the first place."
Marriage is about blending two individuals with different personalities and histories into one household and have it survive on a daily basis. That is not so easy to do. If the two individuals in question have matching personalities, outlooks, and goals, it certainly makes the task easier, but it doesn't guarantee its success against an onslaught of external and internal forces.
Some of us are brave enough (or crazy enough depending on your point of view) to see to the challenges and go forward anyway into the adventure that is marriage.
Yet there are some of us who might say, "Not for me."
It could be that we arrive at this feeling because we know the pros and cons of marriage and we decide that the benefits do not outweigh the drawbacks. Or we suspect that we might never meet that person that makes us want to take that chance and we don't want to settle for 'companionship' (not that there is anything wrong with that). Or it could be that we like our lives as-is. We might want to live with someone and share our lives, but that may not translate into marriage.
I love to celebrate and admire my friends and family who have enjoyed successful marriages, even as I know that marriage might not be right for me.
Instead of being dismayed by this prospect, I am rather grateful that I live in a time where I can enjoy this choice.