by Christine G.

Created on: November 28, 2008

WARNING!

Warning labels have multiplied to the point of losing all effectiveness. Surely I can figure out for myself that my sleeping pills "may" cause drowsiness, and that I should not drive a car after taking them. And if I can't, is a notice in small print going to cause me to behave any less stupidly?

The messages on cigarette packages are becoming larger and more blunt, increasing the smokers' anxiety level, which can only be lowered by another cigarette. Any day now, warning notices will appear on the bottles in the liquor store: CONTAINS ALCOHOL. MAY CAUSE INTOXICATION IF TAKEN INTERNALLY. Or, more succinctly: POISON. My personal choice would be: BACTERIAL EXCREMENT. OVER-CONSUMPTION MAY CAUSE UNHAPPINESS OR DEATH. Not that it would stop anyone from drinking, but it would give me the self-righteous knowledge that drinkers' problems are their own fault. After all, they were warned.

There are some useful notices, though. One of them is the message on the outside mirrors of motor vehicles, immortalized in the movie "Jurassic Park": OBJECTS ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. When that T-rex catches up, you won't be caught off-guard.

On the same theme, I'd like to see a few warning signs around retail stores. Each and every store entrance should be posted with appropriate warnings:

SHOPPING HAZARD: DO NOT ENTER WITHOUT LIST

PRACTISE SAFE SHOPPING: LEAVE CREDIT CARDS IN YOUR WALLET

NEVER SHOP ALONE: BRING A BUDDY

PURCHASES MAY EXPAND TO CONSUME FUNDS AVAILABLE

And don't forget the essential reminder for shoppers afflicted by add-on taxes:
PRICES ARE HIGHER THAN THEY APPEAR.

For shopping husbands, we need a new symbol: a heart crossed out by a heavy X, to indicate items which are not recommended as birthday, anniversary, or Valentine gifts. One of my friends bought a handy-dandy no-fuss floor-washing gizmo for his wife's birthday on the misguided advice of his daughters. His wife put it to use immediately. But unfortunately, this marvel of technology only works well on floors that are already clean. That couple spent much of her special day on their hands and knees, scrubbing stains from the kitchen floor with steel wool. Serves him right - he's been married long enough to know better. But rookies could be saved a similar fate by the helpful heart symbol.

Other useful cautionary notices:

(on a wedding license) LIMITED WARRANTY

(on a condom box) FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY

(at the flower shop) RELATIONSHIPS MAY BE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR

What we need most of all are warnings on people, those mysterious and unpredictable entities who determine so much of the quality of our lives. Some laudatory efforts have been made on posters, T-shirts and caps, shouting DO NOT ENGAGE BRAIN UNTIL MOUTH IS IN GEAR or DON'T TALK TO ME UNTIL I'VE HAD MY SECOND CUP OF COFFEE. But there are numerous other areas of need:

(on a male infant) CAUTION! MAY SQUIRT ON CONTACT WITH AIR

(on any cute child or animal) PROLONGED EXPOSURE MAY INDUCE TEMPORARY BEHAVIORAL REGRESSION AND/OR LOSS OF VOCABULARY

(on a toddler) DO NOT ALLOW UNIT TO OPERATE UNATTENDED

(on a mother) IF UNIT OVERHEATS, CLEAN YOUR ROOM UNTIL COOL-DOWN CYCLE IS COMPLETE, THEN PROCEED WITH CAUTION

(on a militant feminist) ATTEMPTING TO OPEN DOOR FOR THIS UNIT MAY RESULT IN EXPLOSION.

Creative warnings could be a gold mine for the savvy entrepreneur. Imagine the world-wide potential for a ladies' night shirt with large glow-in-the dark letters:
DO NOT ATTEMPT INSERTION UNTIL UNIT IS FULLY WARMED UP

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