by Simone Grace

Created on: November 28, 2008   Last Updated: January 21, 2009

Think of co-dependency and addiction as partners in a complex dance. Every addict needs an enabler, a person who will be their safety net, their saviour, the person who will take responsibility for the consequences of the addict's behavior. The enabler needs to feel in control. It doesn't matter what their partner's addiction is: alcohol, sex, gambling, credit cards, or eating. The enabler and the addict need one another without even realizing it. Both are in deep denial about the chronic and debilitating cycle they are living.

Co-dependency is usually a subconscious learned behavior that is repeated from one generation to the next because children learn what they live and observe. Co-dependency is a cycle that will continue to be repeated until the participants acknowledge and accept responsibility for their own behavior and choices. This usually requires counseling, which can be a long painful process. Denial is so much easier because once a person allows themselves to "see" and "own" their part in the destructive dance they must take action. Often, when an addict chooses recovery the relationship with the enabler begins to crumble. It can be very devastating to choose a healthier lifestyle if it means breaking up a family or a relationship. That is why the cycle tends to be passed from generation to generation. It is difficult to see the problem if it is all you have ever known; it seems normal. An enabler may feel that self-preservation is selfish or cruel. It takes a great deal of courage and strength to work hard toward choosing emotional and physical well-being over what they believe is love in action. Their entire mindset needs an overhaul. Family still caught up in the dysfunctional cycle may feel betrayed and resentful, accusing the person of thinking they are better than everyone else. To choose healing may mean giving up friendships that are dependent upon the status quo. It may require changing an entire lifestyle, moving to a new area, forming healthier relationships, and struggling with a feeling of being very alone and full of self-doubt.

A strong support system is essential in the road to recovery. It won't happen overnight. It is a process. A person may find that no matter how open they believe their eyes are in forging a healthier life, they tend to form relationships that, over time, prove to be very similar to the dysfunctional pattern they have left behind. It can be discouraging and lonely. But it is worth the energy spent when you realize that your children will not repeat the cycle of pain, frustration, and hopelessness and will not, in turn, unwittingly pass it on to their own children.

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