by Antonia Sage

Created on: November 26, 2008   Last Updated: November 30, 2008

When the State of Nebraska approved the "Safe Haven" law in July, it did not expect parents to abandon teenagers as old at 17 at area hospitals, stating behavior issues leading to difficulties in parenting. Nurses mentioned hearing an abandoned child cry out "I'll be good if I can go home!"

Four months and 34 children later, the Nevada State reformed the "Safe Haven" law, limiting the age for children left (in state care) to not older than 30 days, returning the responsibility of raising children where it belongs: parents.

Children arrive in this world without "asking to be born" (as teenagers often remind us). They arrive helpless, completely dependent. On the face of it, parenting is a universal instinct: lionesses teach their cubs to hunt, eagles teach their young ones to fly, and humans teach children to speak, read, learn and interact with others. Nevertheless, the argument that parenting comes naturally oversimplifies the issue. For those who believe no preparation is needed for parenting, I have three words: Safe Haven Law. What, then, ought to be the considerations? Lets begin with the end in mind:

WHAT KIND OF ADULTS DO I WANT TO RAISE ?

Good citizens? Regular adults? High achievers? An overarching question, which, if answered honestly, will ease the path of parenting. There are biological, spiritual, intellectual and social imperatives to consider. Parenting is fundamentally about creating an nurturing environment for new life to thrive and take form. Knowing the form you have in mind will help. The soul searching that will lead you there - absolutely.

DO I KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT DOING THAT?

It is likely that when parenting unconsciously, we adopt the style of our parents, the flaws of which we know from first-hand experience. Chances are, unless we are training to be psychologists or behavioral therapists, we don't really know if we have the requisite skills. We cannot all get degrees in Psychology, but we can learn from role models in our families and communities who are raising the kind of children we want to raise. We can research parenting styles and their impact. We can revisit our childhood: how would we have liked to have been treated as kids?

WHAT RESOURCES DO I NEED?

It takes more than a village. As the Nebraska parents in question realized, raising a child is an enterprise that demands significant resources money, parenting time, support of other people. A steady income, and savings. Discipline, encouragement, and opportunities to grow. A child benefits from the presence of both parents, and parents benefit from the support of each other. Some of these resources may require you to change your habits. Many of these may have to be secured through a commitment of finances, effort or relationships. Are you prepared to make the commitments necessary?

DO I HAVE A LONG TERM PLAN?

The college fund helps, but there is more to the long term. Your child may demonstrate talent for music, sports or science. How can you support her interests? Like many adolescents, she may seek experiences popular with her peer group, some of which you may disagree with. What kind of parent do you want to be when the sea gets rocky? Think about it. Those babies turn into kids who turn into teenagers. Parenting is for the long haul.

WHAT KIND OF LIFE DO I WANT FOR MYSELF AS A PARENT?

The final reality check. Life does change after parenthood, and there is no going back, really. A dependent child makes it impossible to enjoy late night soirees or unplanned getaways over the weekend. Heck, even movies for a while. Expect to have fewer hours available for friends, entertaining and yourself. Expect to sleep less. If all this doesn't fit with your lifestyle, perhaps you can wait a few years. No hurry.

Learn more about this author, Antonia Sage.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.