by Rachel Howells

Created on: November 26, 2008   Last Updated: January 08, 2009

I have a problem. I am powerless over my children and my life has become unmanageable. I need Parenting Anonymous. Signs of my pathological parenting surround me and I can no longer live in denial - the crayon is on the wall.

Every wall in my home, in fact, is decorated by various abstract pieces done in wax crayon, indelible marker and finger paint. These pieces are not framed, but rather are done in a mural style directly on the walls courtesy of our prolific in-house artist, 2-year-old Hannah Elizabeth.

She is beginning to create a name for herself too, as her art branches out to other homes. Aunty Myrtle, Grandma Rose and The Wilsons next door all have a few pieces of her work. Some people, like Uncle George, don't even know they own a Hannah Elizabeth because occasionally she does her work discretely in a closet or in places where portly people like Uncle George can't bend down to see. Evidently, my parenting problem is starting to affect those around me and is hurting the home decor of the ones I love.

Further signs of my problem are the tampered electronics and plumbing issues I have to contend with. As Hannah busies herself with artistic endeavors, 4-year-old David has shown an interest in electronic engineering and apprenticeship plumbing. He has attempted to refurbish my DVD player, VCR and PC; as well as refit a bathroom toilet using his Rescue Heroes submarine. When the submarine never resurfaced from the flooding depths of the toilet bowl, I had no choice but to call in a professional plumber to save the drowning toy.

In addition, although I try my best to cover it up, evidence of my bribery binges is strewn around the house, further attesting to my parenting problem. Empty Fisher Price and Hot Wheel packaging litter the halls and the toy boxes overflow with abandoned toys the children have lost interest in. I began to suspect I had a problem when the clerk at the toy store knew my son by name and what brand of toy he preferred.

Yet another indication of my problem is the high tolerance level the children have developed for the briberies of toys and candy. The more I give in, the more they demand. Now I have to give them three times as much as I once had to in order to get the same behavioral result I desire. Consequently, I've discovered that as their tolerance level for bribery increases, my bank account balance decreases. Combine this with the expense of replacing household electronics, as well as calling in expensive plumbers, and it seems that

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