by mommyoftwo

Created on: November 25, 2008

It has been really hard the last couple of years to find the strength in my self to tell someone what happened to me when I was 10-13 years of age. I always thought as a child it was my fault because I was such a worthless person. Not only was I rapped by a family friend but my mom and dad chose drugs over me and my grandparents took me in only to get the check every month. So when I was rapped I thought it was just something else I deserved. I went through high school and no one knew nothing was wrong with my life. I thought that the memory would just go away and I would never have to bring it up if I didn't want to think about it. I mean the man that did this to me did of cancer and I thought well he is in hell so he is getting what he deserves.

I thought I had beat it until one day me and my husband were being intimate. The man's face appeared in front of me as if he was really there.My husband thought he had done something. Its hard to explain to him that I see sex as a form of punishing me for being a worthless human being. It scared me and I felt like I couldn't breathe. He would always wait until I was in the bathroom. It got to where I would try to hold my pee all day and I usually couldn't. I was terrified of the bathroom there. When he would come in I would beg and say no but I guess it didn't matter. I would always go to a different place until it was over. Sometimes my grandma would come in and call my name. That's the only good thing she would do for me.

I am so mad at the man who done this to me. He used sick ways ot make me do what he wanted me to do. He used to say if you won't let me do whatever then I will start doing it to your brother. I being as young as I was was protective of my youngest brother. He also used the fact that my grandparents wouldn't believe me because they hated me. Which was true. They thought of him as the best person they had ever met. So Christian and willing to help anyone. Well he has helped me alright.

Not only has he damaged me but it was affecting my marriage to my husband and had me terrified leaving my babies with anyone. I have had some good come out of this. I have made sure to let my babies know not to ever let anyone touch them. And i have told them that they can come and tell me anything. I don't want them to ever feel the way I felt.

I am getting help for this now. I now know that it is not my fault what happened to me. I was an innocent child and he knew I was alone in the world. I just hope I was the only one he preyed on. He did have daughters and granddaughters. I pray every day that they didn't have to feel the pain I felt and the fear I felt. I am conquering this and I hope one day to defeat this altogether. I have God in my life and know what happened to me has made me a stronger person. I also have the most wonderful husband who has been patient with me through all of this.

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