by Todd Pheifer

Created on: November 25, 2008

Some parents, particularly mothers, are known to have said, "He will always be my little boy." That is true from a relational standpoint, but the situation changes when that "little boy" is a 40-year-old grown-up. The concept of the adult "child" is a bit strange because at some point the offspring attains "adulthood" and is responsible for making mature decisions. Still, the relationship remains and the dialogue goes two ways between the children and their parents. Some parents continue to give advice to their children, and some of those children continue to ask for that advice. Inevitably, there will be differences of opinion between the two parties, regardless of whether advice is solicited. Here are a few specific thoughts on how to deal with those conflicts when they arise.

Pick your battles

As with any relationship, people have to pick their battles. At some point the child is going to do things differently than their parents. At that point, the parent has to decide when to suggest a different course of action. Some parents have a hard time relinquishing their role as guide, while others are able to let their children make their own decisions or "mistakes." Not all issues can be successfully addressed. Therefore, parents often have to select those conflicts that they feel are most crucial to the success of their child.

Your role has changed

Another key for parents is to recognize that their particular place has changed in the lives of their children. Moms and Dads never cease to be "parents", but some children get to the point where they make all of their own decisions. This is either because they emulate their parents or because they have decided to go a different direction. Parents can still care very deeply about the decisions of their children, but it is important to remember that they do not have the same impact on some children. No longer can they send them to their rooms or ground them. The child must "want" to hear advice from their parent.

Explain yourself

Finally, parents need to remember that effective communication is all about preface, context, and explanation. In other words, parents must be ready to make solid and rational arguments. Their child is now an adult, and they understand things in the context of effective argumentation. The parent can't tell their child to listen simply because they are the authority figure. Overall, the parent of the adult child must treat their child as an adult. They may never see them like they see a peer, but their offspring isn't a child anymore and the relationship has changed.

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