Invalidation

Have you ever had someone communicate either verbally or non-verbally that you shouldn't feel a certain way? Maybe you heard the following:

"You shouldn't feel that way"
"You cried for that?"
"That's nothing to get upset about"

We invalidate someone's feelings when we fail to acknowledge how they feel and do not try to understand why they're feeling that way. This is a common problem in communication between partners.

Validating peoples' feelings makes them feel loved and understood. They may even tell you that they overreacted, because you placated their feelings (making them a lot more reasonable). Invalidating has the opposite effect and will lead to emotional ruptures and a severe emotional disconnect eventually.

Negative reciprocity

Reciprocity is a root concept in social interaction. When we feel good, there's a likelihood that we'll do good onto others. However, when we are hurt or upset, we attempt to make the one whom we hold responsible for that feel a similar way.

Dr. Gary Smalley refers to a "fear dance", where we spiral into a hostile, counterproductive cycle of negativity that hinders proper communication. To avoid this, he opines that we must own our feelings. We must recognise that we are hurt and express it in an appropriate manner like "I felt hurt when you" instead of being accusatory or spiteful.

Conclusion

Being connected with someone else is a wonderful feeling, but it also carries responsibilities. You cannot master the art of communication in relationships if you avoid internal dialogue (part of introspection).

The problems presented here are just some of the many communication problems that can be experienced in relationships. The good news is that these problems are surmountable. Indeed, it takes a bit of work, but the rewards are worth it.

Learn more about this author, Darrell Victor.
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