by Dawna Dees

Created on: November 24, 2008

I used to think that suicide was the 'ultimate' unforgivable sin and thoughts of such were that of the weak, looking for an easy way out. For years, I was angry that my father took his own life when I was a teenager. I constantly felt hurt that he was no longer here to share in my life as his daughter or my family's life with his grandchildren. Even though I know he would be proud of who we are, I feel robbed that I can't see the actual expression on his face. The sadness runs deepest knowing that my children will never know him. They are such great kids and they think I'm the greatest thing since 'sliced bread'. They understand that who they are is a combination of two people, those two people's families and the generations of relatives belonging to those families. My kids enjoy seeing and learning about everyone related to them and without knowing my father, their grandfather, it creates a blank spot. An unfilled hole that contains nothing more than a question mark.

I too am left with this aking question mark. When a loved one chooses to leave us without warning, those closest to them are usually burdened with guilt. We wonder what was so bad that couldn't be fixed. We think that if we had been there or available at the time that it wouldn't have happened. We love them so much that we believe we could have made a difference. I don't know if it is true or not. In some cases, it would have, at least for the moment.

It was about 4 years ago when I walked into the aftermath of a murder / suicide where I lived. This tragedy involved two teen boys. The murder was an accident that triggered the decision for the gunman to want to die himself. That boy's choice, I believe, may have been different if he weren't alone at the time. The confusion and shock from his previous actions were overwhelming and his judgement was cloudy. Again, the choice at that time may have been prevented. That's not to say that after being shunned by friends, scorned with guilt and ridiculed by the community, along with facing severe criminal charges, that the idea wouldn't resurface later in time.

As for my father and his type of situation, I think that some people just get tired. Tired of pain, tired of feeling empty, lost and like the teen boy's situation, maybe facing judgement for some unacceptable action(s). I know my father thought a long time about doing what he did. His problem would have required a lot more than a shoulder to lean on for support in a moment of uncertainty. So, over

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