by Ann Marie Dwyer

Created on: November 23, 2008

Dearest Saint Nicholas,

I know you may be surprised by the fact this letter is in the packing slip portion of a rather large box. Inside the box are the Christmas lists my children presented me, sans postage, to forward to you. Before you open the box, please take your nitroglycerin and have Mrs. Claus pour you a huge mug of hot cocoa while you read this preface.

Despite the hulking size of the lists, my children do know that money does not grow on trees and your travel expenses are greater due to the rising prices of oil and food. All of them appreciate reindeer food is not a renewable energy source. I have explicitly explained, flow chart included, exactly how small this year's budget really is. Those facts aside, I only forward the lists in their entirety to support my plea for alternative, budget-sensible gifts for my children, suggestions for which follow in no particular order.

1. Demonstrative Gratitude.

For the many things, tangible and intangible, my children have already received from all of the people in their lives, I wish you would bring them a healthy dose of demonstrative gratitude. I like to believe my children are grateful for what they get, but it would be fantastic to hear them actually tell our neighbor "Thank you," when he moves his car so they can play basketball without breaking his expensive windshield, again.

2. Knowledge of the Value of Success.

With report cards covered in A's, my children wish they belonged to our other neighbors who pay their children to perform in school. Could you deliver a flashlight which shines on the value of success? I don't even think you would need to bring instructions since they are quite mechanically inclined. Not that I am pushing brands, but there is one which advertises its light shows success in academia, sports, relationships, part time jobs and leisure activities. The commercial is taped on TiVo if you need a copy.

3. Advanced Optic-Neurological Function.

The optic nerve is attached directly to the brain, but I fear my children all have the birth defect which garbles the information they see before it reaches their brains. Certainly, such a gift would clear the path for them to see the abundance they have now and the values of friendship and fellowship with our extended family. Fair to say, they would then be able to see how ridiculous the price tag on these lists is.

4. A Cure for Rectal Myopia.

As your naughty list will attest, one child has a terrible outlook, with which he continually tries to infect

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