Co-dependency is a psychological disorder in which a person has a dysfunctional relationship with himself. Its symptoms are prevalent in members of dysfunctional families, abusive relationships and alcohol/drug addicted families/relationships.
A co-dependent person lives through the lives of others or for another. He may try to control the life of another or play the role of the savior. His own shortcomings and failures will be broadcast as someone else's "fault" or in a severe sense of victimization. He will be anxious and have problems with intimacy. He will seek out relationships where he believes others must depend on him, even if the reality is his dependence on them.
Stress-related physical ailments manifest from co-dependence, especially insomnia, gastro-intestinal dysfunction, ulcers, migraine headaches and skin rashes.
Co-dependent parents are likely to pass the co-dependence to their children. This disorder is a learned behavior. Parents who exhibit co-dependent behavior teach their children how to be co-dependent. Examples:
Dependency
Mom is co-dependent. She feels like her children are totally dependent on her. She believes without her, her children could not survive, so she takes overbearing and controlling care of them. In this way, she is responsible for them.
Ironically, she feels others are responsible for her. Her mistakes and unhappiness are blamed on others (whether specifically or the general, unidentifiable "they") even when she is the direct cause. The dependence is two-way: Her children depend on her, and she depends on another.
Living Vicariously
Dad is co-dependent. He regrets he was passed over (he believes intentionally and unjustifiably) for the football team. Since he was denied, he will move Heaven and Earth to be certain his child is not denied. He makes no effort to discern whether or not his son has talent, interest or desire for football. Dad believes his son have the success he was denied. That success will be his sole responsibility.
Living for Another
Mom has been married to an alcoholic since she was nineteen. Everyday she hides the liquor bottles, calls his job to make another excuse and trains the children that Dad's sick with one of his headaches. The sole reason she lives is to enable her husband. She believes he could not survive without her help and her children need her to support him.
Control
Mom will seek to control all aspects of her children's lives. She has an arsenal to control her children: Advice, coercion, guilt, bribery, threats, manipulation, helplessness and domination. Her belief that she always knows what is the best for her children and how they should behave in every situation brings her to manipulate her children to do what she wants them to do.
The Savior
Sometimes, Mom will want the children to succeed and other times to fail. Controlling the child's failure reinforces the belief that she is the only one who can save the child. Dad will enable his daughter to escape her mother's control. When she gets into trouble without the mother's restraint, he will swoop in and save the day. This is Dad's purpose: Fix it.
The Victim
After football tryouts, Junior was not chosen to be a starter. Dad believes the coach is trying to punish him. The choice had nothing to do with Junior's lack of dexterity or deliberate throwing of the tryout. It was based solely on the "system" putting the screws to Dad.
Intimacy
Mom and Dad have been married for thirteen years. Their children have never seen them kiss. Dad shifts in his chair uncomfortably and offers his cheek, with pursed lips, when Mom tells the children to kiss him "good night". Once the bedroom door closes, the children can hear Dad berate Mom for pushing the children off on him. He does not want to get close to her or the children because it would mean that he needed them. That goes against his belief that his sole purpose is they need him.
Health Concerns
The stress of self-imposed dependence causes Mom to have a migraine. She will complain as she cares for her children. Guilt brings the children to take on tasks they believe Mom to be incapable of completing, even when the tasks are inappropriate for the children.
Dad tossed and turned all night because his stomach was upset after learning of the coach's decision. Junior gets up on Saturday morning. Instead of playing baseball, his favorite sport, with his friends, he will cut the grass for Dad. He thinks it is his fault Dad does not feel well.
Passing the Baton
Children learn by example. Co-dependence is learned behavior. Parents exhibit it for their children. Parents are the most prevalent example of how relationships work children will ever see. Children learn relationships are normal because they trust their parents to do the best for them. Until parents seek help for co-dependency, their parenting example will be followed for generations to come.
References:
The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself